Friday, November 30, 2007

Thank You

I am often surprised that God is still so surprising in His goodness. Surprised I still don't expect Him in just the right moments. Surprised that all He wants from me is all of me, flaws and all. That my weaknesses really do give Him opportunities to show His unending strength.

Laying bare my struggles before you and therefore, before Him, gave Him just the opening He needed to meet me in my valley. In a matter of hours the heaviness began to lift and my heart began to beat in rhythm with the things He is teaching me.

I am blessed to be walking this road. Blessed to have been able to hold and meet my daughter. Blessed to struggle like I do.

I am so greatful to all of you who hold me up when I feel so weak, and rejoice with me when I have strength.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In the secret...

At night, while I'm laying in bed, I think of all kinds of things to share with you. All kinds of encouraging words... some a little less so. Then, morning comes and it all gets so lost in the everyday... Lost in the dishes and laundry. Lost in the day to day chasing after three rambunctious kids. Lost in normal life.

I've wondered a lot lately about what my new normal is. Six months ago I was planning the next few years in the light of feedings, diaper changes, and lack of sleep. Then for five months I was in limbo... desperately seeking God for the miraculous in every breath. Then I was a mother to four precious babies. Two days later I had three living children and an encounter with God like none I'd ever had. Then life settled in... and now? Where to from here?

I crave that unexplainable closeness with God. To be fully embraced, tangibly, by the lover of my soul. To stand before Him in worship and have the very core of my spirit tingle with His touch. Yet, it eludes me a little.

I stood in church Sunday and felt slightly numb. The first I'd felt that in a long, long time. I didn't like it at all.

I am not angry at God, but I am realizing that maybe I am feeling something I haven't yet faced. Something I'm not even sure how to name.

I wanted Him to heal Eden. I wanted to bring her home. I want to be holding her and cuddling her right now. I want more than a photo album and one adorable picture. I wanted more than memories.

It's hard to read the scriptures that speak of asking and receiving or His great power. I want to throw a tantrum. Stomp my feet and cry like my two year old when he can't have a cookie. It stings a little to know He could have healed her and didn't.

It is something I keep saying I am working out with Him. But I wonder if I really am? Is it too hard and painful for me to really look at? To be truly vulnerable to God with those feelings.

The truth is I don't know.

I trust Him everyday by choice right now. I trust Him because He *is* still the creator of the universe, the Ancient of Days, the one who died for me. I trust Him because He holds my daughter to His very bosom when I can't. I trust Him because I know His plan is perfect.

If it is even possible, this part of the journey seems to hurt the most. To feel so distant from He who loves me most. I feel like I am swimming through quicksand to get back to the place we once walked so closely.

Maybe that's the point? Maybe it's a little too much me? This isn't something I can do on my own or by my own power. This can only be done by God. I can only have healing in His plan and His time.

I am going to try very hard to wait on Him. To let Him meet me in my time of need. I am going to try and be still...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dear Eden

One month ago, today, I finally got to meet you. I got to see your sweet little face, so like your brothers' and sister's. I touched your tiny perfect feet and hands. I held you in my arms and studied you. My heart overflowed with love for you.

One month ago my life changed forever, holding you, loving you, and knowing this meeting was the beginning of a goodbye.

I can not imagine it's only been a month, as I spent a lifetime holding you in that dim and quiet hospital room. It seems forever ago that the world stopped and allowed us that precious time. Forever ago that I learned what immeasurable blessing can come from something that seems so tragic.

In two days I will reflect on what it was like to let you slip into the arms of Jesus. What it is to know peace that transcends all of our human understanding. But today, right now I am going to remember the way you felt in my arms. I am going to look at your pictures and I am going to feel joy at having been chosen to be your mother.

I love you little one...forever and ever.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

This picture was taken the day before me cesarean. Probably just about 24 hours before Eden was born... seems like a lifetime ago. I was still filled with such hope for my little bean... but very aware this might be the last time I knew her while she was still alive.

This one of the only two pictures we have of our whole family of six. Even though we were all heartbroken we had joy in this moment. I will always be grateful we had this time together...all of us.

Noah and his baby sister. Some of the most beautiful pictures we have are some of the most heartbreaking.

All my babies. everything about who they are is captured in this single shot.

Phoebe and her sister...taken by her big brother. She was so ready to love her for as long as she could.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Not yet in dancing shoes

Today I stood before God, at the church altar, and sang these words...

You have turned my mourning into dancing.
You have turned my sorrow into joy.

I sang these words as an offering and sacrifice to God. I am not yet ready to dance. I am not quite filled with joy. I have made a commitment to myself and to Him to open myself up and allow Him in to heal the deepest, darkest, most broken parts.

Emotionally, I am raw and some days suck, but mostly I am surviving and enjoying the life and babies I have. I am making a conscious choice to heal and let God work in me, but it's hard because I'm still really tender and wounded and it's something I need to work out with Him. I know He could have healed my baby and didn't and that hurts. My faith is not shaken but my heart is bruised...

I know in my deepest being that God is still working through the life of Eden, that He is still working in me. I ask myself almost daily if I still trust Him, and I do. If I still believe His heart breaks with mine, and I do.

So today I stood there. Raw and exposed before God and sang the words I know to be true.

This is how we overcome

I will only overcome this deep wound, will only live in the grace and power that is mine through Jesus, if I can open my heart and worship Him from this place.