tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-98158282024-02-07T08:58:03.970-08:00Trusting God's Heart...My struggles and triumphs when my world got turned upside downAlexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-72386407362864535492017-10-09T21:05:00.002-07:002017-10-09T21:05:11.614-07:00Sacred Grief When you lose a child, when you are a parent with one child your new friend will never meet, when you imagine milestones, smiles, and tears...because you can't *experience* them, when the grief is as fresh ten years later as it was ten seconds after... when that is your reality, many choose to become an advocate.<br />
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You champion the children coming, you fight to make this world just a little bit safer, kinder, healthier. You fight for it, because you fight for your own child lost. You carry a burden that is so heavy, you use the full weight of it to change *something*.<br />
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I never felt called into advocating for testing, medicine, or even awareness...that was not the burden that I felt, is not the burden I feel...but I do see a place God has led me in this. The change I want to see, the legacy I want to leave as a mother who is missing a vital piece.<br />
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Grief.<br />
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There is a sacredness in grief, in grieving, in mourning what was lost. Weeping should come, it needs to come. And we, as a society, we need to support it. Allow it. Encourage it.<br />
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If we do not grieve, how then will we be comforted? If we do not let the heavy, soul racking sobs come, how will our tears be dried?<br />
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Over the last ten precious years I have seen my pain mirrored on faces of people who love me, love my family and loved sweet Eden, even if they never met her. That mirroring pain has been a soothing balm. It has shown me that I have permission to *feel*. It has reminded me that I can and will be comforted. It has allowed my baby to live, even while she is gone. It has pointed me back to God more times than I can count. My grief has been sweet, in it's utter bitterness.<br />
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We need not be afraid of grief, that it will swallow us whole, that it will leave us with nothing left. We need to look at it, hold it in our hands, sit with it, and recognize that it is a part of us. That it has shaped us in ways we could not otherwise have been shaped. Grief has beauty in it's depths.<br />
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<br />Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-9646701694078267382014-10-13T08:56:00.001-07:002014-10-13T08:56:19.407-07:00One More Year It's weird to only update once a year... it's weird to only mark birthdays when once this little blog was my lifeline... it's also so strange to look back and read the yearly birthday entries.<br />
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Last year I was less than a day from saying goodbye to my dad, and missing my sweet Eden, and separated from my little family by distance. I was alone. Far too alone.<br /><br /> Today, the house is as full as any Monday, the sun is brightly shining, the world seems fine and everything is normal.<br /><br /> I don't feel the gaping loneliness of last year...<br /><br /> But my stomach hurts and the tears are dancing just below the surface. I want to right something profound today, something new... but there will never be a *new* for Eden. Her news were all celebrated seven years ago... every single new thing was lived in 36 far too short hours.<br /><br /> There is no new grief, it's still there. waxing and waning as it does, but it is not new.<br /><br /> We change, my family, the world... we change everyday, but Eden's life doesn't. The impact changes... but largely we are a family of seven with six... and there is no new there.<br /><br /> Today I am marking your birthday, sweet baby, because you are still very much a part of me, a part of us. You are still our daughter, sister, and niece. We still miss you. We'd still give just about anything for one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more hour, one more day. We still have hope to see you again. We are still grateful for the too brief time. We are still missing you.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-28154987466081886462013-10-13T12:20:00.002-07:002013-10-13T12:20:28.207-07:00Too many goodbyesToday the weather is very much like that overcast October day 6 years ago. There is also the same sense of fear...yet it is not tinged with miraculous hope today.<br /><br />Today I am sitting in my parents home, missing my mother who left us not quite four months ago, watching my daddy struggle for each breath as his body shuts dow and his soul prepares to leave this earth.<br />
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I generally try to keep this day as a celebration, as the day my baby girl was born. The 14th of October I hold as sacred because it was the day my daughter lived... from midnight to midnight, she lived the entire day...on Tuesday I will mourn once again as the day she left my arms for an eternity with My Heavenly Father. On the thirteenth I reach back and try to connect with the hope of the day she was born.<br /><br />Today that feels impossible. Today there is eternal hope for my daddy, but there is no earthly hope. I am mourning though he is still here...because his spirit feels gone.<br /><br />Today I am struggling with God's timing, and the crushing pain of the loss of my baby, my mommy, and now my dad.<br /><br />Today feels incredibly big and I feel incredibly small.<br /><br />Yet still, somewhere deep I know God is here. That I am not abandoned and that He is still measuring my tears.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-49901972142855636872012-12-19T00:00:00.000-08:002012-12-19T00:00:18.474-08:00Five Years Again<br />I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that the greatest most difficult anguish I would ever endure, would link my soul with another mother, a country away, whose heart was being torn in all the same ways.<br /><br />I couldn't have foreseen that the bitterest hurt would breathe life to the sweetest connection.<br />
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But it did.<br />
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Five years ago a beautiful baby boy was born into the arms and hearts of a family still mourning from a fresh heartbreak. He was loved. He was cherished...and he died. His precious life is marked with just one date.<br />
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December 19th, 2007<br />
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In the months leading up to his birth, and the five short and oh-so-long years since, I have been so privileged to meet, befriend, and love his mother and his family. To count them as mine, just as I know they count me as theirs.<br /><br />Our friendship was born in the mire and has emerged so beautiful as to honour our babies we held for far to short a time.<br /><br />Today I am carrying Nathan in my heart and aching for my sweet Eden, but I am grateful...so grateful...for this gift.<br /><br /><br />Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-33200888974034357832012-10-14T23:58:00.000-07:002012-10-14T23:58:51.090-07:00I remember laying in that hospital bed, five years ago tonight, knowing it would only be a short time before we said goodbye. Watching the clock to see if you would make it past midnight. Wondering if your life would simply span a weekend, or if I might be able to keep you with me into "one more day".<br />
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I don't think I slept longer than 15 minute stretches while you lived, I didn't want to miss you. I feared you drifting away and missing it. I knew our seconds were numbered and I wanted, desperately, to be fully present for every one.<br />
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God woke me up from one of my cat naps. I know it was Him. I felt His presence, as real and true as anything seen. I am forever grateful for that.<br /><br />I will always be glad that I got to spend those few seconds, alone with you, saying goodbye before I woke your exhausted daddy so he could say goodbye as well.<br />
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When you left me, I felt God take you...and more importantly, I felt His heart break for me.<br />
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As I'm sure it breaks now. To never have wanted a world like this...with this kind of pain.<br /><br />I wish I could hold you again...so many times.<br /><br />I wish I could dance with you. Laugh with you.<br />
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Someday...<br />
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In a few minutes it will be tomorrow...and in a few hours you will have been gone five years...and we will all keep living.<br /><br />I will be sad, but I will have lots to be grateful for.<br />
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I miss you sweet baby...so much.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-10033628285702635582012-10-13T00:01:00.001-07:002012-10-13T00:01:02.479-07:00Milestone BirthdaysI think every family celebrates different ones in different ways, for us there are a few big birthdays. After the first, it's the fifth.<br /><br />By five you are so much the little person. You start school that year and begin to get your own ideas about friends, toys, the world.<br /><br />
There are so many firsts in that fifth year.<br />
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But not for Eden. Her firsts and lasts were 36 hours apart, or one and the same.<br />
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This fifth birthday has been one of the hardest. In August, buying school supplies I ached for the supplies I didn't need. I wept for the tears I would not shed at the front gates. I wondered again why we were chosen for the privilege and heartbreak of being her parents.<br /><br />Even looking into the face of sweet Zoe, she is nearly the same age as her brother was when Eden was born.<br /><br />Today, this week, this month, it hurts fresh and brand new. Raw in a way it hasn't been in quite sometime...in a way that makes me yearn to escape it...a hurt so deep I can do nothing but bury my face in the hem of My Father's robes and weep.<br /><br />I do not feel strong enough for a lifetime of this, yet I know I don't need my own strength to endure it.<br /><br />
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<i>I love you baby girl, every day I miss you...I can not wait to hold you again someday ~Mama</i></div>
Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-12989361655958575562012-04-05T22:24:00.002-07:002012-04-05T22:29:25.847-07:00It's silly really...Tonight I am debating about switching blog platforms, about buying a domain, about changing things up. Nothing earth shattering. And then the thought hits...<div><br /></div><div>"Well, it would be silly to move *both* blogs."<br /><br />And I almost can't breathe for the mere idea of leaving *this* blog behind. </div><div><br /></div><div>I feel nearly suffocated by the thought.<br /><br />Like I'd be leaving this small monument to my precious baby behind.</div><div><br /></div><div>It feels like I'd be leaving her.</div><div><br /></div><div>Alone.</div><div><br /></div><div>By herself.</div><div><br /></div><div>And the thought of that is crippling.</div><div><br /></div><div>Most days I just miss Eden in the background. Life moves forward and is busy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then something like this happens and there is no air and the ache in my chest makes me feel hollow.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh baby, I miss you so much.</div><div><br /></div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-57442154844272888132012-02-12T22:56:00.000-08:002012-02-12T23:02:11.654-08:00So much left of your story<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><div style="text-align: left; ">My Precious Eden,</div><div style="text-align: left; "><br /></div><div style="text-align: left; ">Tonight <a href="http://andoneforhim.blogspot.com/2012/02/looking-back.html">I wrote about what it was like to hold your baby sister in my arms for the first time</a>.<br /><br />I still miss you so much. I am still grateful for every second of your short little life. I wish you were tearing things apart with Zoe, but every day I see more and more of God's plan with you, and I know He has even more in store than I will ever understand.<br /><br />I wish I could kiss you goodnight and smell your damp hair. </div><div style="text-align: left; "><br /></div><div style="text-align: left; ">Someday, in eternity...<br /><br />~Mama</div><div style="text-align: left; "><br /></div><div style="text-align: left; ">"Yet still, hearing her precious cry and looking into her little face for the first time...those were nothing compared to that first moment where I could lay her on my chest and just drink her in.</div><div style="text-align: left; "><br /></div><div style="text-align: left; ">Holding God's promise, skin to skin, in the quiet curtained space...I will never forget."</div></div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-90898300702280190802011-10-14T10:36:00.000-07:002011-10-14T10:49:52.898-07:00Trapeze DayEden,<div><br /></div><div>I didn't get to write for your birthday yesterday. Not because I wasn't thinking about you, every second, but because life keeps going.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the midst of your baby sister learning to stand, your bigger siblings doing school work, a major heat wave and daddy's interview...I remembered you.</div><div><br /></div><div>I cried from such a dark place yesterday, the place that will never be whole because you celebrate every birthday in the arms of Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div>How can it have been four whole years since you breathed your first...and last?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can there be a person in this family who never, ever met you?</div><div><br /></div><div>How can Zoe have a sister who is just a story and some pictures?</div><div><br /></div><div>If it's even possible, I miss you more this year than in years past. I am aching to remember the feel of your tiny body in my arms. To smell your sweet baby smell. To hear your little coos.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have prayed a million times that I would get to hold you, just one more time. But if I ever got that one more? I'd just want another.</div><div><br /></div><div>You are still so much a part of me, and of our world. You are still remembered by so many. Remembered an honored. Your legacy lives in trees, in bibles, in lives transformed, in souls saved...and still, you are so far from me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, my heart aches for more time with you. </div><div><br /></div><div>Today I will remember you, fully alive. Today I will celebrate that you lived! I will celebrate by living myself. By remembering. By worshiping the God who gave you to me, even if it was for such a brief time.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love you baby girl. So much. Forever.</div><div><br /></div><div>Love,</div><div>Mama</div>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-91024086126166454362011-04-30T16:34:00.000-07:002011-05-02T19:05:01.097-07:00GlimpsesI know I won't know the end of the story until I am standing face to face with Jesus.<br /><br />I know I won't see the brilliance of God's plan or the wisdom in His decisions, in regard to Eden, until eternity.<br /><br />I know this. But still, I am blessed when God gives me just the tiniest glimpse and I see reason behind what felt so wrong.<br /><br />Every year, at the start of the school year, my husband sits in his classroom and asks God to help him find "just one kid" who he can share Jesus with. He asks God to help him see the students through the eyes of eternity. Every year.<br /><br />When you pray like that, you always see the broken kids. You see the ones who support their families while still in high school. You see the ones who have a closer relationship with social workers than parents. You see the ones with everything stacked against them. You think "Oh, it's going to be <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> one."<br /><br />God sees something different.<br /><br />God sees the kid with the good parents and the nice life who laughs and surfs and hangs out with her daddy...he sees the needs deep in the heart of <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> kid. The kid who seems to have it "all together". God knows that he longs to love <span style="font-style: italic;">every</span> student who walks through those classroom doors. That the broken kids are <span style="font-style: italic;">all</span> the kids living without Him.<br /><br />So God sets the appointments that He sees fit. At the times that work for <span style="font-style: italic;">each</span> student.<br /><br />God sits the nice surfer girl, with an idea that all Christians are judgmental and uptight, in a history class with a loud, funny, slightly irreverent teacher during the school year that will mark the most difficult time in his life.<br /><br />That girl watches her teacher struggle with the death of his baby girl and listens to him share about a faith that remains, even when he doesn't understand what God is doing. She laughs at his jokes and helps him grade papers. She sees him with his family and gets to know his kids and wife.<br /><br />She somehow becomes more than student, and becomes part of the family.<br /><br />And three years later, that same girl, is standing in a baptismal, crying her eyes out with joy over her relationship with Christ. Ready to make a public commitment...and she's standing there <span style="font-style: italic;">with her dad</span>!<br /><br />If losing Eden helped to bring our good friend Brenna into a relationship with Christ, and into our family, it was worth it.<br /><br />Eden is with Jesus for eternity...and now Brenna will be too.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-34089743489878897742011-01-27T22:18:00.000-08:002011-01-27T22:27:38.854-08:00Dear Eden,<br /><br />Yesterday your baby sister smiled at me. It was the sweetest, crooked smile. The kind that they like to draw in cartoons. I smiled right back and then I was just the littlest bit sad...she smiles like you did.<br /><br />You smiled, and I know those smiles were involuntary but what a blessing that they came more frequently in your final hours. That you smiled at your big sister and she will always hold that in her heart.<br /><br />I still miss you. There is still someone missing in our home, but the soul crushing ache seems to be a bit less when I hold the baby sister who never got a chance to know you.<br /><br />She also has the same little puffy spots just under her eyes. You two are the only ones who have that. It's very special. I love to see that she looks a little like you, in a special way.<br /><br />I always tell people she is my 5th baby. You are still the fourth baby and you have not been forgotten or replaced in our hearts or minds.<br /><br />I still miss you so much, I wish I could hold you again. I wish you were running around, making messes and creating chaos with the others. I can scarcely imagine what you and Jack would do together. We all miss out by having had to say good-bye so soon.<br /><br />Good night sweet baby. I miss you so much,<br />MommyAlexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-86903928141889645652009-12-07T10:03:00.000-08:002009-12-07T10:19:56.746-08:00OrnamentsIt's quiet in the house. Only the sound of rain falling outside and my kids laughing in it can be heard as I steal this moment to sit in front of the Christmas tree with my coffee in hand.<br /><br />All the ornaments went up last night in a blur of excitement from three children that see the magic hanging from every hook. We talked about the meaning and reasons for each special one.<br /><br />The puppet from the first Christmas I spent with my husband, then fiancee. A small tree in his apartment bedroom with the magical chasing lights and simple ball ornaments. Crammed in on Christmas Eve opening gifts with his roommates.<br /><br />The ark from the year we knew we would be heading into parenthood and what that dream would mean.<br /><br />The light up churches that reflect a that peace and hope I have always found within the sanctuary walls at our little home church. Ornaments that belonged to my husbands father, celebrating with Jesus in heaven for these last 11 Christmases.... the memories attached to these wood and resin trinkets go on and on.<br /><br />Finally we got to the most special ornament of them all... A framed photo of a little girl that I would love to hold in my lap and chase from the tree, but who joins her Papa Dewey in celebrating Jesus' Birthday in his presence.<br /><br />Merry Christmas little one.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-81003722825697061892009-10-13T20:24:00.000-07:002009-10-13T20:29:26.572-07:00Another Birthday<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9PdS12jEeLxVzhZ7yeFlhqYLevHpODouJI-EihLOPc0LZ_aYM5GdESicc5PY_KiPKit8ILSagqzzmbf7EeSsPoek9YoK6GD3RPmTqpZjnGs9XIi2nvNLaVa53Al_e2g_eeJJKOg/s1600-h/DSCN3600.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9PdS12jEeLxVzhZ7yeFlhqYLevHpODouJI-EihLOPc0LZ_aYM5GdESicc5PY_KiPKit8ILSagqzzmbf7EeSsPoek9YoK6GD3RPmTqpZjnGs9XIi2nvNLaVa53Al_e2g_eeJJKOg/s400/DSCN3600.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392291601567956642" border="0" /></a><br />I can't help but wonder when I will know what to expect. Last year was sad but still a celebration of the sweet girl who changed our world...today was nothing but raw and painful. I spent the better part of today lost and terrified of the heaviness that washed over me. I felt little comfort from my loving God who opened up the sky to weep with me.<br /><br />My older children shook with sobs that came from so deep they gladly went to bed an hour early.<br /><br />It was just heavy and hard.<br /><br />She never stops being gone. She's never coming back.<br /><br />While I take great comfort in knowing each year brings us closer to reunion, it also takes us further from hello.<br /><br />I miss my little girl so much.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-59595432068840376482009-08-02T21:43:00.000-07:002009-08-20T21:01:17.800-07:00Love LetterIt starts so simply...and then God in his abundance, finishes it so amazingly!<br /><br />About two months after Eden's initial diagnosis, well into my journey, I was introduced to another mother destined to have to make the same types of decisions for her ill, not yet born, son.<br /><br />There is something special about sharing with another member of our exclusive club. We share the lows, the highs, the good and the very honest and ugly parts. We understand what it is to rail at and into the arms of God. We hold each other together while still a mess ourselves. It is a beautiful thing really. Beautiful in it's raw emotion.<br /><br />We cemented a bond that is beyond this life, which is wonderful considering we are separated by an entire country and had only met online, introduced by one of our dear friends that I, again, had only met online.<br /><br />For months and months we have shared each step of our shared path, stopping along the way to get down in the dirt with the other...or to hold out a hand to help the other up. Sharing tea, and tears, and laughter...all through a little box on the desk.<br /><br />In my dreams I wondered if we would ever meet this side of heaven. I doubted we would, but I hoped.<br /><br />And then all of a sudden it was happening! A gift from God, given through a wonderful friend and I was on a plane to surprise this dear woman with whom I had shared so much. And for 4 days I sat in kitchens and living rooms on the other side of the continent and learned what it meant to love Canada with my whole heart.<br /><br />I laughed in grocery stores and cried for the joy of new-but-not-really friends.<br /><br />So, once again, God gives me a beautiful gift out of one of my darkest hours. It is so amazing to be loved so fully by the creator of the heavens and the earth.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-87694961295637586562009-03-17T11:24:00.000-07:002009-03-17T11:35:39.778-07:00Two MonthsIt's not that I have anything particularly profound or exciting to say, just the idea that it's been two months since I last updated this blog makes my heart break a little.<br /><br />Here I am, Eden's mother, and all I can really do to tend to her, or care for her, is keep this blog...and for two whole months there has been silence.<br /><br />Eden died 17 months and two days ago. An amazing little girl who profoundly changed me, and who's influence in this world is immeasurable, has been away from it for nearly a year an a half. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago I held her in my arms and kissed her sweet bowed lips. Sometimes it's as if I just said good bye.<br /><br />There are days when the ache in my heart is enough to make me wish this whole world would just stop so I could be reunited with her again, when living one more day without my baby girl seems like a burden to heavy to bear.<br /><br />And yet there are others, where the joy and honor over having been trusted with the responsibility of being Eden's mother is overwhelming in it's own right.<br /><br />The truth is there is great blessing in the midst of this journey that I still walk everyday, and that much of that blessing comes from up out of the ashes of hope.<br /><br />So today I am taking a moment to nurture this mother's heart, the heart that longs for first steps and first words... not memories of final breaths and last goodbyes. I am taking a moment to parent Eden in the only way I can, in my heart and mind, and dreams.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-37754927888676968172009-01-07T09:59:00.000-08:002009-01-07T10:02:34.451-08:00A RepostFrom <a href="http://andoneforhim.blogspot.com">my other blog</a>:<br /><br /><a href="http://beavoice.net">Sanctity of Human Life Week</a> is coming. A time to stand up and be heard about the inherent value in all human beings. A brief moment set aside to, not just decry abortion, but to speak to the value of the life contained in the womb.<br /><br />I remember the first time I heard about abortion and being horrified at the mere idea of it. I remember joining a protest on the whim. Just a child, not much older than my oldest son. I also remember that it sent a lighting bolt in my home. My mother not at all pleased that I would take a stand on an issue I couldn't fully understand.<br /><br />She was right, I didn't understand it all. I didn't understand what would drive a woman to make such a choice, I saw a selfish desire to just "do away" with a mistake.<br /><br />As I grew into adulthood and saw a more human face on abortion, my view didn't change much. The slogan "Abortion stops a beating heart" always rang in my ears. My heart broke for the desperation some women, some girls, felt when choosing to end the life of their unborn.<br /><br />I listened as semantics were juggled and words like tissue, fetus, potential for life were used. I tried to understand the idea of a starting point for humanness... but still I saw the pictures I had seen as a young girl of discarded babies and brain couldn't understand how this choice would be good for anyone.<br /><br />Then on May 17 2007 I was told that the baby I was carrying would die. I was encouraged to abort and everything I knew and believed and felt changed. I struggled through the idea that I may end a pregnancy of a baby not destined to live.<br /><br />Once again though, I saw the pictures of those discarded babies and couldn't bring myself to make that choice.<br /><br />In making that choice I discovered that my mother had been right all those years ago. That there was much to this debate I couldn't fully understand.<br /><br />I also realized how sacred life really was. Eden, my baby girl, did die just 36 hours after her birth, but in those 36 hours I saw her fully realized humanness. That even as one profoundly damaged, her worth was immeasurable. Being her mother changed me in so many ways, changes I welcome and embrace. Eden's life changed many people and pointed to a God beyond description. Eden's short life, lived outside of my womb for such a brief instant, was a life filled with purpose and rejoicing. And I life that still effects people today.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-31300139656482965682008-12-05T20:53:00.000-08:002008-12-05T20:55:19.471-08:00All I Want For ChristmasYesterday morning, when I started this post, my kids were watching I Love Lucy. It's one of their favorite shows and I am fairly certain I have now seen every episode a dozen times.<br /><br />Thursdays are always pretty slow since we are out late the night before.<br /><br />Back to the Ricardo's...<br /><br />So this is the episode where Lucy discovers she is pregnant and is trying to tell Ricky in some sweet and amazing way.<br /><br />I never got to do that. I was always just way too excited to stage a big reveal.<br />This episode wasn't sweet or funny yesterday. This episode tore at my heart and soul. My arms aching for Eden and my womb aching for the baby it should be carrying.<br /><br />I have had people suggest to me that this was all "for the best" and maybe God just "wants me to be done."<br /><br />Was that what God wanted for Elisabeth as her soul ached for a child?<br /><br />How can someone put reasoning into the desire for a child. No, maybe it's not logical but my very being crys out for a baby to hold in my arms. To nurse . To love. To adore.<br /><br />When you have been a parent, and watched them grow and shared every parenting joy and frustration, and you think that you are stepping onto that roller coaster again...and suddenly the ride stop...you know what you have lost. You know what you are not going to experience.<br /><br />Tonight my family walked over to see Santa, and as we stood in line, Jack yelling from twenty feet away "Hi Santa! Lego Star Wars!", I struck up a conversation with the family behind me and played with their beautiful little girl. All cozy in her pink footie pajamas, I watcher her smile at Noah and play with my camera and suddenly my heart broke all over again.<br /><br />Unexpectedly, it all came rushing to the surface. My heartbreak, my loss, my desperation.<br /><br />I miss my baby girl.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-40899609313808842102008-11-29T20:16:00.000-08:002008-11-29T20:32:06.685-08:00ThankfulWhen I wrote this line in my <a href="http://andoneforhim.blogspot.com/">other blog</a> I knew I needed to grab a cup of coffee and come sit in this special place and think some more... write some more... about who God is showing Himself to be to me.<br /><br />I wrote :<br /><br /><em>I make a choice everyday to serve and love God when my circumstances seem bleak, because I want God to be made strong in my weaknesses... I think weaknesses make God excited to really show off His strength and glory.</em><br /><em></em><br />I know I have written before about my choice to serve, love, and worship God when in the midst of a struggle. In the midst of pain. Yet, each day i learn there is so much more to this choice and that it transforms, not just me, but my whole world. This choice has ripples that I may never see, but I know they exist.<br /><br />Recently, just after the loss of our last pregnancy, one of my husband's students wrote to him that she was angry with God. that this seemed cruel to her and how could He... all things I felt in the midst of our loss. Things my husband felt.<br /><br />It broke my heart for her because I don't think she knows Him. That she can turn to Him with these questions. I did. I wept bitter tears and threw out a lament to rival King David. I felt forsaken, betrayed.<br /><br />Yet, in my utter <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">brokenness</span> and heartbreak, God revealed His great strength because my weakness was great. He stepped down from a place of glory and got in the dirt with me to lift me up.<br /><br />I have no "why" that I can find. They have been offered by some, but I believe there is really no "why" there is an "is" that God wants to use as refinement and glory and to show something to the world beyond myself and my family.<br /><br />God is showing that He can still be glorified when there is no "why'. He is showing that the miracles are still there and the biggest ones happen on the inside. He could have healed <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Eden</span>. he could have stepped in to protect and restore my pregnancy. He didn't. But He DID step in to restore my soul. My heart. My faith. Physical healing is amazing and has it's place and is NOT something He withholds, it is available everyday... the healing of a spirit is beyond what eyes can see and so rarely <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">labeled</span> as a miracle...but I can tell you as one who is walking it, it is so much so. In my life and soul, almost more so.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-18192264072603753932008-11-05T22:19:00.000-08:002008-11-05T22:27:49.784-08:00At PeaceThe thoughts in my head are all jumbled and not linear or particularly intelligible but it is clear that one thing has happened to me tonight... God, the creator of all the universe, has met me in my dark and desperate place of need. He has come to sit and share a cup of tea and offer me understanding.<br /><br />He has shown himself to a desperate and broken child and revealed His great love for me. Not His plan, but His love.<br /><br />I don't need to know the whys as long as I can trust the love, and that trust faltered this week. Faltered and nearly shattered, but has once again been restored, refreshed , and renewed.<br /><br />God, in His great love and compassion gave me the time to mourn and the time to be angry and let me pour it all out at His feet...and then he scooped me into His immense Fatherly lap and, rather than cuddle me in my brokenness, spoke to me like a woman and child of His and reassured me of His immensity and His sovereignty.<br /><br />He did not let me slip into a pit of resentment, no matter how tempting, He just revealed Himself once again to me.<br /><br />Poured out another portion of joy and intimacy and loved me.<br /><br />I am once again, gleefully under the shadow of His wing and nestled up to Him for my comfort.<br /><br />Thank you God for loving me through my weakness and showing your strength overwhelmingly.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-6223375544632484982008-11-03T19:28:00.000-08:002008-11-03T19:45:47.070-08:00Can scarcely speak the wordsIt is with a heavy heart that I write that my pregnancy has ended.<br /><br />To say say we are devastated is an understatement. My mind cannot seem to reconcile this heartbreak so soon after the first birthday of Eden. This loss has shaken my faith to it's very core, yet almost despite myself, I can still see God trying to show me compassion...<br /><br />The ultrasound last Thursday showed that, while I was pregnant, a baby had never formed. This is key for me at this point. Our loss is still great, visions of a sumer spent with a newborn in our arms are gone, and we mourn them. We mourn the sleepless nights and first smiles. We mourn the dreams we had for our family. Yet for me, if I were mourning another child who lived and died before I ever got to really know it, I'd be broken in wholly different ways.<br /><br />I am glad I wrote so much of God revealing himself to me in the darker times in Eden's life because I need the reminders.<br /><br />Please continue to pray for us as we struggle through this new heartbreak.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-32727672457728710592008-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:002008-10-30T18:23:05.095-07:00No longer ordinarySince I am not actually posting this tonight, I should probably note that tonight, is Tuesday October 28th.<br /><br />I'm not sure where this goes either...this blog? A place so devoted to the lessons and journey through faith that came from my sweet little Eden. Or is it better posted in my other blog? Somewhere where I am trying to live my faith out loud in my reality.<br /><br />In the end, I think it goes here. Much of this particular story is directly influenced by Eden's life and death.<br /><br />Tonight My husband and I decided to share a secret with out three living children. A secret we have been keeping for nearly a month.<br /><br />Tonight we told them that we are, once again, expecting.<br /><br />I think they almost melted from the sheer joy. My daughter especially. Eden was supposed to be her special gift. Her only sister thus far, born just two days after her birthday.<br /><br />Her heart craves that sibling even more so than her brothers. She craves a sister most of all...and for lots of reasons I hope this baby is a girl. Never to replace Eden, but to meet a significant need in all of us.<br /><br />There was joy tonight in the announcement. Joy even from the little one. And lots of jokes. A few times my children started or ended with "If this one lives.". It was the most innocent and non jaded ways it could ever be said, but it cut me to the quick. I don't even think they think this baby may not make it, but they don't live in a world where all babies come home either.<br /><br />It both breaks my heart and makes me glad as well. Breaks my heart that so young this their reality, but so glad that this house is a safe place to talk about such things. That it's not a secret fear or dread.<br /><br />So once again I covet your prayers. We all do. Prayers for a healthy baby. A safe delivery...and so much more.<br /><br />God's grace is heavy here but the enemy whispers words of fear and dread almost constantly.<br /><br />And now an update on Thursday October 30th:<br /><br />Not even 24 hours after we told the kids and within hours of telling my mother and my pastors wife , I noticed some unusual things happening with my body. So this morning I had my first OB appointment.<br /><br />My dr seemed rather unconcerned given the size of my uterus but, with "spotting" and such we opted for an ultrasound.<br /><br />What we saw was neither good, nor horribly bad. A fetal sac in the right size and shape, but no little kidney bean.<br /><br />What this means is that, either I was just a little too early to see the baby, or...and my heart breaks to say it... there is no baby.<br /><br />Needless to say I left the office thick with emotion. "How could something like this be happening after all we have been through?"<br /><br />I can't help but wonder, what is the lesson? What is the plan?<br /><br />The mood is not bright in our house today but I can feel, somewhere at the fringes of by battered heart, I can feel God reaching to comfort me. To tell me...something.<br /><br />God still has dominion over this pregnancy. He can still reveal a healthy little baby. I can still hold this baby in my arms this summer.<br /><br />My faith and hope tell me these things but my heart is having trouble truly believing them.<br /><br />I am begging for and coveting your prayers. I am oing in again next week and hope with all the hope I can muster to see a little miracle.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-46652566023914667602008-10-15T09:36:00.000-07:002008-10-15T09:55:57.627-07:00One very amazing yearA few weeks ago someone asked me how I planned to remember Eden this week. At the time my husband and I had made no solid plans but knew that what we really wanted to do was just be together as a family...<br /><br />One of the things I said to my friend was that really, I wanted to fill the house with flowers and celebrate her.<br /><br />We have had flowers in the house ever since I returned from the hospital. Flowers from friends filled the house in the weeks following , but as they slowly died and the number dwindled it became something that we could do to remember her.<br /><br />We have a spot in the living room that always has flowers. Something bright and beautiful and cheery... we make a choice to remember the joy rather than the pain with these flowers.<br /><br />So I just wanted to fill the house with them. So many that I wouldn't know where to put them. Roses, daises, lilies...<br /><br />I only mentioned this to one person, not even my husband, but one person in another country.<br /><br />Monday morning when I woke up there was a vase of flowers and a plate of cookies. Happy flowers with an adorable pink bow. My husband had discovered them outside our door that morning. It felt wonderful to have such a thoughtful gift, even if there was no card. Later We received flowers from some very special friends of mine and I smiled at my two beautiful vases of flowers. I slightly remembered the conversation about the house full of flowers.<br /><br />Tuesday was still a special day. Tuesday was the anniversary of, not the day Eden was born, or the day she died, but the day she<span style="font-style: italic;"> lived</span>. In the hours after Eden's birth I was obsessed with time. Each new hour was another hour she had lived and breathed on this earth. When the clock hit midnight I was ecstatic to know that when her name was written the date of her birth and death would be different... And when we reached midnight again, to know there was a whole day that she simply lived was almost more of gift than I could ask for.<br /><br />Tuesday there were once again flowers and treats left for us. I cried. More bright and cheery flowers to mark this special day. When I brought the vase inside I found a lovely necklace with a silver E wrapped with the bow.<br /><br />And today, more flowers and brownies. This time a card. Filled with love from friends who loved my little girl right along with me. Who now carry a precious child of their own.<br /><br />It means so much to me to have her remembered and it brings smiles and happy tears to see my house filled with love...and Eden's flowers.Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-438388601172508352008-10-14T20:32:00.000-07:002008-10-14T20:33:17.457-07:00October 15th<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Also from <a href="http://andoneforhim.blogspot.com">my other blog</a>:</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Tomorrow is <a href="http://www.october15th.com/">Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day,</a> a day that I once knew nothing about and even if I had I wouldn’t have really paid attention.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">One of the things I realized in the last few years is that, especially in western culture, we are so silent about death, about grief, and especially so about the grief of lost babies. It’s one of those things that people fear to talk about and so often just don’t acknowledge.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have been blessed beyond measure that my sweet <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Eden</st1:place></st1:city> has been celebrated and talked about and cried over openly. She is not a secret we just never mention. Her photograph hangs on my wall with her brothers and sister and doesn’t cause anyone to wince or become uncomfortable. I think it would actually make my friends and guests more uncomfortable if her picture wasn’t there.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So tomorrow I will light my candle in remembrance of some very special little people whom are greatly missed here on earth. Eden, Nathan, The Twins, Krista’s babies, The Triplets and so many more…</p>Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-21322357312819069802008-10-13T17:07:00.000-07:002008-10-13T17:34:13.512-07:00First Birthday<span style="font-style: italic;">This post is taken from <a href="http://andoneforhim.blogspot.com/">my other blog</a>...</span><br /><br />Today there is a sense that there is great expectation about something amazing and heartbreaking...<br /><br />In reality I have shed several happy tears today. Been frustrated by some people. And had a lovely surprise on my doorstep early this morning...<br /><br />Last week I received a card from The March Of Dimes because a good friend donated in my Beautiful Daughter's name. Standing at the mailbox I wept happy tears that, even a year later, Eden's life mattered to people who never got a chance to know her. That loving her didn't require actually meeting her. That a short little life could impact and change people.<br /><br />Mostly I am just happy when she is remembered. Not as a sad footnote, but as a little girl who was celebrated.<br /><br />Being Eden's mother has changed me in ways I never could have imagined and I am hardly the same person I was a year ago, and I scarcely recognize who I was two years ago.<br /><br />This past year has been filled with a pain deeper than any I ever believed I could endure. I have watched my children and my husband weep from so deeply I thought they might never stop, I have wondered if I would ever cease to ache.<br /><br />But in the midst of all of that God has revealed himself to me new, nearly everyday.<br /><br />I don't know if I will ever understand why God denied the pleas of so many of His children. Why standing and silently saying no fit His plan better. And I believe I will always wonder about that... but still, I know that God is who He says He is. That His plan is perfect and that I have seen what true peace is. That I have lived it, felt it, breathed it.<br /><br />The enemy has come many times to whisper in my ear about an impotent or uncaring God. He has poured salt in the deep wounds of my grief. He has attempted to shake me free of my faith many times.<br /><br />And when he has, I have found renewed strength and renewed faith in the utter holiness of Eden's final breath. I can scarcely look back at that time without seeing all of heaven weeping as I handed my daughter into her Father's arms.<br /><br />I have been through even more trials since I had to submit to the will of God and love Him while his actions hurt. I am in the midst of one even still. But when Satan tries to tempt me into depression and resignation I am empowered in my faith by remembering 36 holy hours that He gave me with my little one.<br /><br />36 hours in which my baby girl cooed, cried, peed on so many nurses and guests, and proved her full humanness by getting cranky when she was unswaddled or cold. 36 hours in which I got to cuddle and love her. 36 hours that are so removed from everyday that they are almost like a dream, though they are forever etched in my memory.<br /><br />So today is not a sad day. Today is a day I rejoice that God chose me. Trusted me with a difficult choice.<br /><br />Today I remember her beautiful bowed lips and her feisty attitude, and celebrate the first birthday of my precious Eden.<br /><br />I love you sweet girl. My arms ache for you everyday but my heart is happy to have gotten to love you!Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9815828.post-10080812377475898452008-08-15T11:36:00.000-07:002008-08-15T11:37:26.239-07:00ConversationNoah: Why are you crying?<br /><br />Me: I'm thinking about your sister.<br /><br />Noah: Phoebe? Why is that making you cry?<br /><br />Me: Your other sister.<br /><br />Noah: Oh, Eden.<br /><br />Me: Yep. I think about her a lot<br /><br />Noah: But why are you crying?<br /><br />Me: Because she died 10 months ago today.<br /><br />Jack; (playing with his Star Wars guys) Eden died.<br /><br />Me: Yes she did.<br /><br />Jack: And her did go to heaven?<br /><br />Me: Yes. She's in heaven. And I miss her and that makes my heart sad.<br /><br />Jack: It makes my dad sad too.<br /><br />Me: Yes it does.<br /><br />Jack: (goes back to playing with Star Wars guys)Alexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07346705798623879197noreply@blogger.com1