I keep going back to Lazarus...

I don't claim to be a bible scholar. I wish I were...but I just know there is so much to be learned from taking these steps everyday.

When I wake up in the morning and open my eyes...I am trying to remember to thank God I am on this journey. I mean it's not one I'd have chosen. It's not one I ever anticipated could be a good thing... but I am strangely excited by it.

I know it's all the prayer, as so many people I love and who support me, have spent, and continue to spend countless hours on their knees.

My prayer time is disjointed at best. I am trying to find my quiet place with God, time to be alone and really focus, it's not easy. And my words run out often and I am just left with the name of Jesus and a prayer shawl wrapped around me.

For whatever reason, God has put me and my family in this place, with this struggle, at this time. Several of you have commented on my strength, it is not *mine*...it is wholly given by God and I really don't understand it. I suppose this is "the peace that passes understanding".

Philippians 4: 4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I am excited about what God will do on this journey. In me, In my husband, in my children... I am prayerful that this will impact my extended family as well. I am prayerful that I will bring my sweet baby into an extended family of believers. Of course I always think I know how God *should* operate... and spend a lot of time trying to convince Him my plan is the best.

Just like Mary and Martha with Lazarus...

John 11:21 and 32

21 "Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died.

32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

But sparing Lazarus was not His plan. God could have prevented this with Eden. He could have knit her together whole from the very beginning. He could have taken her early to avoid this painful period, He could have caused her never to be conceived in the first place...

Sparing Mary and Martha any hurt was also not His plan. Oh how I wish being a Christian got me a "get out of pain free" card, but sometimes being a Christian brings pain all it's own. Rejection, judgement, misunderstanding...

I know also that my pain causes God's heart to grieve.. just as John, chapter 11, speaks twice of Jesus' heartbreak before Lazarus' tomb. He knew that in a matter of moments the pain of those who loved Him and whom He loved would vanish...but still he wept for them.

Just as He now weeps for me.

I have mourned my daughter just as Mary and Martha mourned their brother. I pray He calls Eden from the grave as He did Lazarus... and I pray that when He does this people will turn to Him and accept the gift He so wants to give.