Forever Changed

Sometimes I let this blog go a week or two because I'm not really sure what to say. The particulars are all still the same. And I can't really update you about Eden much because she's hidden away from view... for all I know she's healed already.

So here's where I am at this week, I'm trying to figure out how to plan for what to *do* after she's born, should she not be healed. It's a practicality I can't quite wrap my brain around. Neither Steven or I feel compelled to have a service or bury her body, But that leave a big question on what to do with her remains. I don't want her just "disposed" of, but I really can't imagine what to do. And there is an issue of cost, which maybe shouldn't be a factor here but is. I think I need to really start looking into this, but I ask you "How do I hope for a miracle, believe for a miracle, and investigate ways to dispose of my baby all at the same time?" Even now, I'm typing that out and she is doing the thing where a foot or butt bushes against my stomach and makes it take a weird shape... how do I plan for this all to end?

In many ways I can't fathom that there could be anything wrong with this little one inside me. She is so obviously *alive* right now, her heartbeat is strong. Her movements are regular and frequent. She is growing and making me physically uncomfortable and exhausted. How can she not be "just fine"?

I have had reason to talk to a few people lately about the impact of Eden on my relationship with God. I realized that I have had the wonderful opportunity to see Gods love poured out in a new and different way. I have had a chance to live "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt 5:4) I have hurt more than I even knew was possible and been wrapped in love like I can't describe. I have understood what it is to touch the heart of God and have His heart break for his child.

I was telling Steven yesterday, that I feel weird because I was operating in such a fevered pitch with Jesus, and now this has all become so everyday. It's so much more a part of my every moment reality. I wondered was I getting lazy? As we talked I realized that I am now, forever changed. It's not that I've gotten lazy it's that I've gone from one point to another. That my faith has been forever changed. And I am grateful for that change.

This is from an email I received just 10 days after the diagnosis:

"Eden Rebekah what a powerful name- "delight" and "captivating beautiful" I was just thinking of the story of Issac and Rebekah in Gen. 24 and in verses 55-60 Rebekah agrees (and is willing) to go with Abraham's servant to A PLACE SHE HAD NEVER BEEN. And the Lord spoke to me that Eden is taking you to a place where you have never been with in the Lord. He will go with you to that place and though it may be a hard place it has changed you forever. You will never be the same again and your faith level will never be the same again"

Just one of the many words of faith I have received for this little blessing.

A special day

Today is my 14th wedding anniversary. Recently at another wedding I was listening to the vows and thinking about how much Steven and I have been through, and how much we have changed over these 14 years. We were just kids when we walked down that aisle and made promises to each other and to God.

I am grateful everyday that he is my husband and that he is the father of our four children. As Eden's daddy, he is torn between feeling like he can't protect her and what he needs to do to care for me and the other three on this journey. He handles each new hurdle with love that comforts me, even when he feels he isn't. I am grateful that God put us together so long ago...that we have grown together in age, faith, and maturity.

Eden continues to wiggle, kick, roll, and squirm almost constantly. And I am reminded that, whatever the outcome, there is a little tiny life inside of me. The doctors can say whatever they will but, at this moment in time, Eden *is* alive and she has a special designation from God. She has already stirred the faith of many.

In bible study we have been going over Psalm 23. And I am reminded constantly that while I walk through this valley that it is only a "shadow of death" that passes over us. And that I needn't fear because God is with me...with the big kids...with my nearly two year old...with my husband. My God is a good God who loves and cares for me. Who desires only the best for me. Though I can not always understand what He is doing, I trust that He has only my best, and the best of those who love Him, in His heart and Mind.

Monday Musings

I have written, rewritten, erased, started over again, this blog about 4 times already. My thoughts are so jumbled.

I start out telling of my struggles with the constant everyday of carrying Eden, I talk about feeling her first kick during her ultrasound, I start to answer questions I've been asked a lot lately... but it all sounds so flat.

The reality is, this is getting really hard. Aside from everything else, I am getting really pregnant. I am exhausted and have a hard time even finishing up my daily chores. Folding the laundry, putting it away, doing the dishes, and vacuuming puts me out for a day and a half... lets not forget it's summer and all three kids need a mommy. Also included in the 6 month pregnant package are some pretty emotional days. Fighting to install a water filter for two days reduced me to tears more than once.

It's also a long journey. I wish I could know, right now, that everything was going to be okay. That I was bringing my baby home in October and we'd all live happily ever after. But that is not my path... I don't get to sprint. It's a marathon.

My husband is having a hard time not knowing how to be the Protector of his family and how to struggle through his own emotions. He needs your prayers right now, he needs the strength of all of you to help hold him up.