Better Days

Some days are so hard. Days like my last post...

Most days aren't. Most days the supernatural peace and grace of God surround me. I never know when it will be painful, but I know that God is always faithful to buoy me when my arms stop moving and I start to sink.

I am greatful beyond words to have been given Eden, even for the short season we had. I am grateful that God gave me, not only strength, but the support of a church family without whom I'd have fallen apart. Friends who loved my baby as much as I did. People as invested in a miracle as me.

Eden was a gift to many and the line to snuggle her and kiss her will be long in heaven. The people who never got to nuzzle into her sweet little neck but miss her all the same.

So days like today, when God has brought me through another patch of ugly, are truly a blessing.

One year ago today

I learned what it meant to be "a little bit pregnant". I knew what it was to have a wiggling, living, baby inside of me...and be told I would never love her outside of me. I learned what it felt like to be told the best thing to do would be to end my child's life.

My whole world turned upside down and I am not so sure it ever really righted it's self again.

I have grown and loved and felt joy in this last year.

I have also known pain that hurt so deep I could barely catch my breath. I know the ache of a mother's arms without one of her babies to fill them.

I know what it is to long for something I will never see or know.

God has been so incredibly faithful to me, held me as I wanted to crumble into a mess on the floor.

Today though, on a day motherhood is celebrated, it feels too big and I want so badly to wake-up and find this whole year was nothing more than a nightmare.

I rejoice over new babies and my heart breaks in every smile...I want my baby so badly today. I want to love her and kiss her. I want to hold her in my arms and nurse her to sleep. I want to pace the floor with her when she can't sleep.

It's hard sometimes, and a little overwhelming to know that I will feel all of these things every day.