I remember laying in that hospital bed, five years ago tonight, knowing it would only be a short time before we said goodbye. Watching the clock to see if you would make it past midnight. Wondering if your life would simply span a weekend, or if I might be able to keep you with me into "one more day".

I don't think I slept longer than 15 minute stretches while you lived, I didn't want to miss you. I feared you drifting away and missing it. I knew our seconds were numbered and I wanted, desperately, to be fully present for every one.

God woke me up from one of my cat naps. I know it was Him. I felt His presence, as real and true as anything seen. I am forever grateful for that.

I will always be glad that I got to spend those few seconds, alone with you, saying goodbye before I woke your exhausted daddy so he could say goodbye as well.

When you left me, I felt God take you...and more importantly, I felt His heart break for me.

As I'm sure it breaks now. To never have wanted a world like this...with this kind of pain.

I wish I could hold you again...so many times.

I wish I could dance with you. Laugh with you.

Someday...

In a few minutes it will be tomorrow...and in a few hours you will have been gone five years...and we will all keep living.

I will be sad, but I will have lots to be grateful for.

I miss you sweet baby...so much.