First instinct and words of faith

I replay a lot of the stuff that happened at that first ultrasound. I replay what was said to me. The look on my friend's face as she sat and listened. The tone of voice that the technician used. The smells... all of it. But just recently I've been remembering that first split second after she told me. My first and immediate reaction that hadn't heard figures or facts yet, the moment just a fraction of a moment before my head started swimming...

What I thought in that moment was "Well, I guess God will have to fix it. "( I didn't yet know she was a she.)

This moment comforts me. It was here that my faith spilled out, not yet crowded by logic or emotion. Just faith. I wish I could say it was the whispered voice of God reassuring me, but of that I'm not sure.

I thank everyone who is following this journey. Every prayer is felt here...

Ordinary Pregnant Women

Last night I was having a lot of back pain and heartburn and what not. Just generally feeling crummy... And I was struck by how different things are than with an ordinary pregnancy. In the past, when I have felt icky while being pregnant some sort of motherly instict kicks in and the idea that I need to take it easy and rest becomes primary...

But now, I feel pain and wonder "Is this the begining of the end of my time with Eden?" and I think how that would be sad but that I knew this was a possibility...and then I wonder "Do I sit and rest, or do I go on as normal and let things happen?"

As it is yesterday was just the culmination of a few long weeks and a very long and exhausting weekend, Eden is still wiggling, rolling, and kicking. I am still very much pregnant.

I have had a rough week emotionally, I mean I've been okay, but I've worried more about the what-ifs than in the weeks preceding. I was asked if I felt I knew she would really be okay and I am starting to feel a little shakey about if she will or not... it's hard to carry around this hope and faith in her healing everyday. I want so baddly to stand firmly in the knowledge that she is being knit together even now... but some days it's the best I can do to sit weakly.

The sun was shining today

Had my first OB appointment since the diagnosis today. It was kind of weird in that it wasn't all that weird. I did all the typical stuff - weight, blood pressure, etc. Just like any regular old pregnant woman. Because I am, in fact, a regular old pregnant woman. But not really... Most regular pregnant women are worrying about things like stretch marks, exhaustion, and frequent potty breaks. Me, I'm just sort of existing in this limbo world. Waiting on my miracle but uncertain everyday...

I talked a lot to my Dr about my emotional well being, she wondered what kind of support I had and was very pleased to hear me speak of all of my church family that was rallying around me. I told her Eden's name and she made a note in my chart. The care with which she treats me is truly remarkable. I don't think she'd make this choice but encourages me to truly enjoy and celebrate every moment I have with Eden. (Hearing her referred to by her name is very comforting to me.)

We listened to her very strong heartbeat. Beating away as if nothing was amiss. The Dr confirmed that, yes, those were definitely hiccups that I was feeling...

Eden is moving all the time. Not just the hiccups but I feel her rolling and kicking almost constantly, It is both wonderful and a little heartbreaking. While I choose to believe she will be born whole, part of me knows she may not be and it pains me to think this might be all I have of her. I love her, yet I may never know her in *this* life. It's a very weird place to live.

I told my Dr I had hope in a very Big God and that I still thought Eden could be born whole and healthy. I think this bothered the Dr. and I understand why. Science has *no* room at all for this possibility.Two ultrasounds and a blood test are pretty clear.

Ironically I left today feeling even more sure God was going to do the amazing with Eden. The sun was shinning and I knew He was with me.

All in all today was a very good day to be Eden's mommy.

Not so strong

Ever since I put up this blog, and even just before, I have had people saying really wonderful things about my grace and strength... I am touched as those things are merely God showing Himself. Today I want to throw myself on the floor like my not quite two year old and just cry and throw a tantrum.

I knew when we decided to give God full reign over the Eden there could, potentially be a full 5 months of waiting and uncertainty... I wondered to some friends when or if the day would come that all the peace would crumble... I still have peace but today is not so bright as a few that have passed.

If you had asked me even 4 days ago I'd have told you I felt really good, emotionally and physically. That I fully expected a miracle and my baby girl to be born whole... today I am a lot less certain. Today my faith is far more weak.

Today is the day I press in further with my Jesus and let His strength hold me up.

God moved in big ways this week with two babies, yet still in the womb. One child nearly confirmed as ectopic was found safely hanging out in the womb and one who's labor had begun too soon was stopped as suddenly as it started... and I do honestly rejoice and find comfort in those two big blessings. But if I am truly honest, part of me is jealous too. I am stuck right in the middle of my storm and I too, want word that my baby is whole and everything is okay. I want my waters calmed.

I was sharing with some ladies the other day, that I don't believe I will see Eden's healing until the moment she is born. I will have at least one more scheduled ultrasound, but I feel like God is whispering to me not to rely on those to show me. So in a way I fear them...

It is hard to rejoice in my pregnancy, even though I rejoice in Eden. It is hard to not feel just a little bit sad when I feel her constant movement. I so deeply believe she will be born whole, but there is still a very human part of me that can't let go of what I've been told is her prognosis. So I delight and mourn every roll and kick.

God reminded me tonight of so many of the "classic bible stories", the ones even my unsaved family and friends would know... Most of the biggest miracles came after longer periods of intense suffering... The woman who had bled for 12 years (Luke 8: 42-44) Mary and Martha who watched their brother die and buried him (John 11) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3) The father who's daughter was ill and died (Luke 8: 40-56) and so many more...

I am in the midst of my trial, and only God can carry me through.

Also, a lesson I learned this week... This trial is not mine or my family's alone.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

2 Corinthians 1: 8-11

God has put my family on this path, and at times it feels lonely, but he has put us here with our church family as well. And not just those who sit next to us in the pews but in churches all over the world... that when we testify of His amazing and wonderful healing of my sweet baby girl, when we see her chasing her siblings up the aisles in the church sanctuary, that all The Church will be edified. That we proclaim God's healing power and many more will come to know Him. And many more will be healed...

Please continue to pray for us, as each day seems to bring a new hurt, a new phone call trying to tear into our decision, another reminder of what we are to endure.