The unseen

Well, I had hoped to be able to report the divine today, but as of this moment no healing has come forth.

I'll admit I was sad and do feel a little weepy right now, but my faith in God is not shaken. I *still* believe and still hold out hope for the miraculous.

I want this baby to come home so badly.

I wondered to myself, and wondered also if I wasn't hearing the voice of God, on my drive home if this would be the thing to break my faith. If this would be, suddenly, too much bad news. Too much science. If suddenly I believed a miracle was no longer available. But my God did not change who He was in that half hour. He still formed the beating heart I watched and heard. He still breathed life into the cramped baby I saw on the screen. And He is *still* in the business of performing miracles.

If faith is the evidence of that which is not seen, then today my faith was strengthened. Today I did not see a nice round head. Today I did not see God's hand change the brain of my fourth child... But today I still believe God will heal her. I am surrounded by those who believe God will heal her. ..

Two scriptures sent to me this week:

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being FULLY PERSUADED that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:20-21

Also, in Matt 9:29, "Then he touched their eyes and said, 'According to your faith will it be done to you'."

Not Just for the Old Testament

I think it's easy to forget that some of the mighty and wonderful things God did in Old Testament times He still does today. I am not speaking simply of miracles. Throughout the Old Testament , and into the new, we see that God placed great value on a person's name. A name was often prophetic of the role that child would play in history or a marker of the parents state of mind.

More than once God changed someones name when the old no longer applied. Sometimes, as is the case with Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah... holding on to your given name was done simply to prove you did belong to your God.

I have always said that God chose the names of each of our children. No favorite but unused name has ever been recycled. They fit each soul and then they no longer fit. Rebekah has been a name both my husband and I have loved since before Noah was born... but it's never been the right time or the right baby to place that name on the list.

This all strikes me as today, my beloved husband, wrote this in a blog he shares with the students he teaches...

"We had a discussion about names in APUSH this last week. About Phoebe Caufield's name and whether Salinger's choice for Holden's sister was deliberate. I asked Elizabeth Martinez if she knew what her first name meant and made them laugh about telling any boy who even looked at my Phoebe Elisabeth that her names meant "Pure" and "Consecrated/Set Apart for God".
And, thinking also of my youngest unborn daughter, asked APUSH'er Rebecca Figueroa if she knew what her first name meant, not entirely sure if I remembered myself the origin of Eden's middle name.

So this morning, I looked it up again and thought how wonderfully appropriate and inspired my youngest daughter's name is.

"Rebekah" means "to bind".

I remember Mrs. Anderson telling me this early in the pregnancy after we had decided on a name and finding it rather odd, wondering if we had made the right choice and wondering if it were as appropriate as Noah James (The Peaceful Comforter, Brother of John the Beloved), Phoebe Elisabeth (Pure, Consecrated to God) and John Steven (God is Merciful and Gracious, Anointed/Crowned). Looking it up again this morning, I find it beautiful and so wonderfully fitting. If anyone has ever helped to bind our growing family and our church family together, it has been our little Eden Rebekah and all God has taught us through her.

Eden means to delight or find pleasure in.

Perfect. Just perfect.

Three more weeks.

Keep praying for our little Eden Rebekah and for our entire family."

Still trusting

So, I am having another ultrasound. Friday at 11:30am... This is not to check the condition of the baby but to check out where my placenta is in relation to my previous scar tissue from the cesareans I had with the boys.

I know that if I don't see healing in this ultrasound it's not too late, but oh, how beautiful would it be to see a nice round head on my sweet baby girl? To not have to labor with the unknown, to be able to spend the last two weeks of my final pregnancy with a whole and healthy baby kicking me in the ribs.

I have so many reasons to believe Eden is coming home. So many traces of God doing things beyond the expected.

It's hard not to try to explain to God all the many reasons He should do what I want, as if he doesn't see the giant tapestry in which our lives are but a tiny thread. Important, essential, but small. At the same time I see God moving. I see opportunities to dramatically change peoples lives. I see hearts softening that will have no choice but believe He is who scripture claims He is...

Just the other day my mom let slip her heartbreak over my sweet girl. It was a simple sentence but it revealed her brokenness... if for my mother's salvation alone this whole journey is worth it. If to give my mom the gift of, not only a second granddaughter, but more importantly a relationship with her healer, her creator, her savior... I had to walk this path it was worth it.

Thank you all for your prayers, please remember me on Friday...

Not Above Being Selfish

Eden is due in just over three weeks. In many ways it seems like the diagnosis was just pronounced and in others it feels like we have been living with the weight of it forever. The last half of my pregnancy has gone incredibly fast, but each day gets longer and longer.

I can not believe that in about a month we will finally have our answer. We will finally know if this baby is coming home.

In a lot of ways I am far more confident than I have been in the long four+ months I have carried her with her diagnosis, that we will see a miracle, but at the same time I am even more afraid to say it out loud. It's one thing to declare absolute faith in an idea that will not see fruition for several months, it's another thing entirely when it's right around the corner.

In a way I hadn't quite expected, I feel like I love her even more now. I have loved the concept of her for months... but there has been so much "other" to focus on. Now I actually can just sit and be with her.

I have been so focused on God and His plans, the things He was teaching me, the way He was changing my family, the changes in my church... all related to this precious little one. Now, I have crossed a line where it's able to just be about me and my baby.

And I love her and I want her to come home. I want to hold her and wake up in the middle of the night. I want to watch her toddle and take her first steps. I want to see her smoosh a cake in her face on her first birthday. I want to watch her brothers and sister spoil her. I want to sacrifice some autonomy for the sake of being the mother of a newborn. I want to get spit up on. I want to change another bazzilion diapers. I want to watch her daddy get wrapped around her little finger. I just want to mother her.

I have prayed many things for her and our family... but today I just want to say "Daddy please, can I just bring my baby home?"