Five Years Again

I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that the greatest most difficult anguish I would ever endure, would link my soul with another mother, a country away, whose heart was being torn in all the same ways.

I couldn't have foreseen that the bitterest hurt would breathe life to the sweetest connection.

But it did.

Five years ago a beautiful baby boy was born into the arms and hearts of a family still mourning from a fresh heartbreak. He was loved. He was cherished...and he died. His precious life is marked with just one date.

December 19th, 2007

In the months leading up to his birth, and the five short and oh-so-long years since, I have been so privileged to meet, befriend, and love his mother and his family. To count them as mine, just as I know they count me as theirs.

Our friendship was born in the mire and has emerged so beautiful as to honour our babies we held for far to short a time.

Today I am carrying Nathan in my heart and aching for my sweet Eden, but I am grateful...so grateful...for this gift.

I remember laying in that hospital bed, five years ago tonight, knowing it would only be a short time before we said goodbye. Watching the clock to see if you would make it past midnight. Wondering if your life would simply span a weekend, or if I might be able to keep you with me into "one more day".

I don't think I slept longer than 15 minute stretches while you lived, I didn't want to miss you. I feared you drifting away and missing it. I knew our seconds were numbered and I wanted, desperately, to be fully present for every one.

God woke me up from one of my cat naps. I know it was Him. I felt His presence, as real and true as anything seen. I am forever grateful for that.

I will always be glad that I got to spend those few seconds, alone with you, saying goodbye before I woke your exhausted daddy so he could say goodbye as well.

When you left me, I felt God take you...and more importantly, I felt His heart break for me.

As I'm sure it breaks now. To never have wanted a world like this...with this kind of pain.

I wish I could hold you again...so many times.

I wish I could dance with you. Laugh with you.

Someday...

In a few minutes it will be tomorrow...and in a few hours you will have been gone five years...and we will all keep living.

I will be sad, but I will have lots to be grateful for.

I miss you sweet baby...so much.

Milestone Birthdays

I think every family celebrates different ones in different ways, for us there are a few big birthdays. After the first, it's the fifth.

By five you are so much the little person. You start school that year and begin to get your own ideas about friends, toys, the world.

There are so many firsts in that fifth year.

But not for Eden. Her firsts and lasts were 36 hours apart, or one and the same.

This fifth birthday has been one of the hardest. In August, buying school supplies I ached for the supplies I didn't need. I wept for the tears I would not shed at the front gates. I wondered again why we were chosen for the privilege and heartbreak of being her parents.

Even looking into the face of sweet Zoe, she is nearly the same age as her brother was when Eden was born.

Today, this week, this month, it hurts fresh and brand new. Raw in a way it hasn't been in quite sometime...in a way that makes me yearn to escape it...a hurt so deep I can do nothing but bury my face in the hem of My Father's robes and weep.

I do not feel strong enough for a lifetime of this, yet I know I don't need my own strength to endure it.

I love you baby girl, every day I miss you...I can not wait to hold you again someday ~Mama

It's silly really...

Tonight I am debating about switching blog platforms, about buying a domain, about changing things up. Nothing earth shattering. And then the thought hits...

"Well, it would be silly to move *both* blogs."

And I almost can't breathe for the mere idea of leaving *this* blog behind.

I feel nearly suffocated by the thought.

Like I'd be leaving this small monument to my precious baby behind.

It feels like I'd be leaving her.

Alone.

By herself.

And the thought of that is crippling.

Most days I just miss Eden in the background. Life moves forward and is busy.

Then something like this happens and there is no air and the ache in my chest makes me feel hollow.

Oh baby, I miss you so much.

So much left of your story

My Precious Eden,

Tonight I wrote about what it was like to hold your baby sister in my arms for the first time.

I still miss you so much. I am still grateful for every second of your short little life. I wish you were tearing things apart with Zoe, but every day I see more and more of God's plan with you, and I know He has even more in store than I will ever understand.

I wish I could kiss you goodnight and smell your damp hair.

Someday, in eternity...

~Mama

"Yet still, hearing her precious cry and looking into her little face for the first time...those were nothing compared to that first moment where I could lay her on my chest and just drink her in.

Holding God's promise, skin to skin, in the quiet curtained space...I will never forget."