Monday, October 13, 2014

One More Year

    It's weird to only update once a year... it's weird to only mark birthdays when once this little blog was my lifeline... it's also so strange to look back and read the yearly birthday entries.

    Last year I was less than a day from saying goodbye to my dad, and missing my sweet Eden, and separated from my little family by distance. I was alone. Far too alone.

    Today, the house is as full as any Monday, the sun is brightly shining, the world seems fine and everything is normal.

    I don't feel the gaping loneliness of last year...

    But my stomach hurts and the tears are dancing just below the surface. I want to right something profound today, something new... but there will never be a *new* for Eden. Her news were all celebrated seven years ago... every single new thing was lived in 36 far too short hours.

    There is no new grief, it's still there. waxing and waning as it does, but it is not new.

    We change, my family, the world... we change everyday, but Eden's life doesn't. The impact changes... but largely we are a family of seven with six... and there is no new there.

    Today I am marking your birthday, sweet baby, because you are still very much a part of me, a part of us. You are still our daughter, sister, and niece. We still miss you. We'd still give just about anything for one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more hour, one more day. We still have hope to see you again. We are still grateful for the too brief time. We are still missing you.