Monday, December 07, 2009


It's quiet in the house. Only the sound of rain falling outside and my kids laughing in it can be heard as I steal this moment to sit in front of the Christmas tree with my coffee in hand.

All the ornaments went up last night in a blur of excitement from three children that see the magic hanging from every hook. We talked about the meaning and reasons for each special one.

The puppet from the first Christmas I spent with my husband, then fiancee. A small tree in his apartment bedroom with the magical chasing lights and simple ball ornaments. Crammed in on Christmas Eve opening gifts with his roommates.

The ark from the year we knew we would be heading into parenthood and what that dream would mean.

The light up churches that reflect a that peace and hope I have always found within the sanctuary walls at our little home church. Ornaments that belonged to my husbands father, celebrating with Jesus in heaven for these last 11 Christmases.... the memories attached to these wood and resin trinkets go on and on.

Finally we got to the most special ornament of them all... A framed photo of a little girl that I would love to hold in my lap and chase from the tree, but who joins her Papa Dewey in celebrating Jesus' Birthday in his presence.

Merry Christmas little one.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Another Birthday

I can't help but wonder when I will know what to expect. Last year was sad but still a celebration of the sweet girl who changed our was nothing but raw and painful. I spent the better part of today lost and terrified of the heaviness that washed over me. I felt little comfort from my loving God who opened up the sky to weep with me.

My older children shook with sobs that came from so deep they gladly went to bed an hour early.

It was just heavy and hard.

She never stops being gone. She's never coming back.

While I take great comfort in knowing each year brings us closer to reunion, it also takes us further from hello.

I miss my little girl so much.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Love Letter

It starts so simply...and then God in his abundance, finishes it so amazingly!

About two months after Eden's initial diagnosis, well into my journey, I was introduced to another mother destined to have to make the same types of decisions for her ill, not yet born, son.

There is something special about sharing with another member of our exclusive club. We share the lows, the highs, the good and the very honest and ugly parts. We understand what it is to rail at and into the arms of God. We hold each other together while still a mess ourselves. It is a beautiful thing really. Beautiful in it's raw emotion.

We cemented a bond that is beyond this life, which is wonderful considering we are separated by an entire country and had only met online, introduced by one of our dear friends that I, again, had only met online.

For months and months we have shared each step of our shared path, stopping along the way to get down in the dirt with the other...or to hold out a hand to help the other up. Sharing tea, and tears, and laughter...all through a little box on the desk.

In my dreams I wondered if we would ever meet this side of heaven. I doubted we would, but I hoped.

And then all of a sudden it was happening! A gift from God, given through a wonderful friend and I was on a plane to surprise this dear woman with whom I had shared so much. And for 4 days I sat in kitchens and living rooms on the other side of the continent and learned what it meant to love Canada with my whole heart.

I laughed in grocery stores and cried for the joy of new-but-not-really friends.

So, once again, God gives me a beautiful gift out of one of my darkest hours. It is so amazing to be loved so fully by the creator of the heavens and the earth.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Two Months

It's not that I have anything particularly profound or exciting to say, just the idea that it's been two months since I last updated this blog makes my heart break a little.

Here I am, Eden's mother, and all I can really do to tend to her, or care for her, is keep this blog...and for two whole months there has been silence.

Eden died 17 months and two days ago. An amazing little girl who profoundly changed me, and who's influence in this world is immeasurable, has been away from it for nearly a year an a half. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago I held her in my arms and kissed her sweet bowed lips. Sometimes it's as if I just said good bye.

There are days when the ache in my heart is enough to make me wish this whole world would just stop so I could be reunited with her again, when living one more day without my baby girl seems like a burden to heavy to bear.

And yet there are others, where the joy and honor over having been trusted with the responsibility of being Eden's mother is overwhelming in it's own right.

The truth is there is great blessing in the midst of this journey that I still walk everyday, and that much of that blessing comes from up out of the ashes of hope.

So today I am taking a moment to nurture this mother's heart, the heart that longs for first steps and first words... not memories of final breaths and last goodbyes. I am taking a moment to parent Eden in the only way I can, in my heart and mind, and dreams.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

A Repost

From my other blog:

Sanctity of Human Life Week is coming. A time to stand up and be heard about the inherent value in all human beings. A brief moment set aside to, not just decry abortion, but to speak to the value of the life contained in the womb.

I remember the first time I heard about abortion and being horrified at the mere idea of it. I remember joining a protest on the whim. Just a child, not much older than my oldest son. I also remember that it sent a lighting bolt in my home. My mother not at all pleased that I would take a stand on an issue I couldn't fully understand.

She was right, I didn't understand it all. I didn't understand what would drive a woman to make such a choice, I saw a selfish desire to just "do away" with a mistake.

As I grew into adulthood and saw a more human face on abortion, my view didn't change much. The slogan "Abortion stops a beating heart" always rang in my ears. My heart broke for the desperation some women, some girls, felt when choosing to end the life of their unborn.

I listened as semantics were juggled and words like tissue, fetus, potential for life were used. I tried to understand the idea of a starting point for humanness... but still I saw the pictures I had seen as a young girl of discarded babies and brain couldn't understand how this choice would be good for anyone.

Then on May 17 2007 I was told that the baby I was carrying would die. I was encouraged to abort and everything I knew and believed and felt changed. I struggled through the idea that I may end a pregnancy of a baby not destined to live.

Once again though, I saw the pictures of those discarded babies and couldn't bring myself to make that choice.

In making that choice I discovered that my mother had been right all those years ago. That there was much to this debate I couldn't fully understand.

I also realized how sacred life really was. Eden, my baby girl, did die just 36 hours after her birth, but in those 36 hours I saw her fully realized humanness. That even as one profoundly damaged, her worth was immeasurable. Being her mother changed me in so many ways, changes I welcome and embrace. Eden's life changed many people and pointed to a God beyond description. Eden's short life, lived outside of my womb for such a brief instant, was a life filled with purpose and rejoicing. And I life that still effects people today.