Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Smiling through tears

It's late and I suppose it's tomorrow already but I couldn't close my eyes tonight without remarking on the day that has passed.

Three months have flown by in the blink of an eye, yet it seems like I have carried the memories of my sweet baby girl for my entire life.

I was struck this morning, as I went about my daily chores, with how unremarkable the day was. How dishes still need doing and floors still need scrubbing. How my children still need to be led and diapers still need changing.

Yet today was remarkable. Today I woke up, snuggled my babies, and spent time with God. I was truly content and joyful. Even with the heaviness of my great loss, I felt joy today. I remembered my girl, as I always do, and I smiled at the time we had spent together. Even more I smiled remembering a moment I have no ability to explain. A moment that changed me from the depth of my very soul. The moment that coforts me when heartbreak threatens to crush me. I reflected today, on my daughter's death.

I have never seen Jesus, not with my earthly eyes, But my spirit has. My spirit knew, felt, and saw God, himself, lift my baby from my arms. Remove the soul that had blessed so many from her earthly vessel. God lifted her and cradled her just as I had for the blessed hours we had spent together.

I miss my daughter, yes. I always will. My heart aches for the moments we will never share. The kisses we will miss. I will never know her giggle or her smile.

But she is clothed in glory. She sits at the feet of the Creator of the, she is cradled by His loving arms. I will not mourn for her. I will mourn those missed moments, but I will remember her beautiful blue eyes as she saw the face of her savior.

And I will smile.

"Think of your child; then, not as dead, but as living; not as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than those on earth."-
Richard Hooker


Marfa said...

this brought me to tears.

You are one remarkable woman!

Denise said...

sometimes i wish i had more spiritual things to say... but i'm always at a loss for words.

i'm sure you hear this often, but you are so strong, and your faith often inspires me.

when i think of your baby girl my heart often feels disappointed... and i try not to feel that way because God has a reason for every scenario in life... and i held on to that...

i can't even say what breaks my heart because it makes me want to start crying...

but what you said is true... she is up where we would like to be... but gosh darn it, i will mourn all those times that i would have held her (because you would have let me) and it makes me sad...and slightly jealous that she's with Jesus and we are still here...

i think i've gone off the subject. but i love you.

Anonymous said...

Well, although we have never met, I have followed you quite closely. Judith S. is a friend of mine here in VA. I know you have heard others testify as to how you have inspired them to press on in their personal journey with Christ... I too have been lead to seek more of Him, and Eden has helped me to be obedient as she was to God. Oh what blessing that have been given and in faith looking forward to those yet to come. I guess what I am struggling in words to explain is simply... THANK YOU for sharing your life... you just may be saving mine.