Sunday, April 13, 2008

Happy Half Birthday

I can hardly believe it's be only six short months since I first looked into the face of my precious daughter. Beautiful and perfect in her brokenness. Six months since I saw true beauty in ultimate heartbreak. Six months since a me I used to be ceased to exist. Six months since my faith was tested to it's limit.

It's overwhelming sometimes to think that getting here doesn't mean the grief is over, just that it continues to change...and change me.

I was telling my husband the other day that part of me was afraid that I was lying to myself everyday. That this new element to my relationship with God would shatter and I would see that, in reality, I was bitter, broken, and angry.

My growing closer to God has been very deliberate. I made a conscious choice to continue to magnify His name and to love on Him. To believe in His word. All of this a huge step of faith after my beautiful daughter was born broken.

I try my hardest to be honest with God about it because I want this to be sincere.

So last night I was at prayer and a song I have played continually this last year came on...

The enemy's been defeated
Death couldn't hold you down

I think I have said before, that I imagined, while pregnant with Eden playing that song in church as we beheld the sweet baby God had brought life and wholeness to.

When that vision wasn't to pass I would stiff often turn to that song to lift my faith. Satan was still defeated by God's supernatural peace poured out within moments of Eden's birth.

Last night I believe God spoke to me, just little me.

The enemy's plans for me were defeated. I was not destroyed by my daughter's death. I am not continually oppressed by my grief or my questions. I live and love my God every day. It is sincere and He knows it.

3 comments:

Krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Alexis,

I first found your blog through Krista Hedivan's and have been following your family's journey for the past 6-7 months. I simply want to let you know that you have been in my prayers and that I admire and appreciate your witness.

Several years ago, I was in a church women's group with a woman who received the same diagnosis you did, also with 3 older children, I believe. That family chose to end the pregnancy and grieve their daughter early. I did not know the mom well and have lost track of them since. However, I have never forgotten the situation. I so wish that she could have read your blog and been encouraged to cherish each moment with her daughter, putting the outcome in God's hands.

Perhaps your local pregnancy crisis center would be interested in copies of your book--a way for Eden's legacy to serve as an encouragement to other moms facing the same heartbreak.

In any case, know that there are strangers who have never met you who are praying for you and will always be touched by Eden and your family's faith.

In Christ,

Deborah

Debbie said...

I thought of you as I read this blog the other day http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Sometimes we can find some peace in common pain, and her journey is quite similar to your own. I hope this doesn't offend or cause any hurt.

Happy half birthday to Eden. Peace to all of you.