Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Nine months

This seems like such a huge milestone. I guess when you have carried and birthed four babies nine months becomes a very significant period of time.

I think the thing about losing Eden is that it never stops, I never stop "losing" her. She is always gone, always separated from me. I won't ever hold her in my arms and nurse her to sleep. I will never hear her giggle or see her smile. I can never braid her hair or dress her in frilly clothes. Every second of every day she is gone.

I was reading Psalm 119 to my kids the other day and could barely choke out this part of the passage...

81 I am worn out waiting for your rescue,
but I have put my hope in your word.
82 My eyes are straining to see your promises come true.
When will you comfort me?
83 I am shriveled like a wineskin in the smoke,
but I have not forgotten to obey your decrees.
84 How long must I wait?

The psalmist captures my heart and soul in that passage, my anguish and my exhaustion. My longing to hold the child I had to let go of far too soon...

Yet I cling to God for in Him alone can I and do I find the strength to smile and live and enjoy the life I have yet to live.

89 Your eternal word, O Lord,
stands firm in heaven.
90 Your faithfulness extends to every generation,
as enduring as the earth you created.
91 Your regulations remain true to this day,
for everything serves your plans.
92 If your instructions hadn’t sustained me with joy,
I would have died in my misery.
93 I will never forget your commandments,
for by them you give me life.
94 I am yours; rescue me!
For I have worked hard at obeying your commandments.
95 Though the wicked hide along the way to kill me,
I will quietly keep my mind on your laws.
96 Even perfection has its limits,
but your commands have no limit.

I know there is still so much work to be done. So much more to be dealt with. So much more grief to endure...but I am confident that my Jesus will carry my through and protect my bleeding and wounded heart.


Cassi said...

just letting you know - I'm here

webmaster said...

I can relate so much to your feelings, so many times I felt exactly the same after the death of my daugther Anouk...

Psalms 13 goes in the same direction and Brian Doerksen has made a song of that Psalm that comforted me many times. It's on the CD "You Shine" (hosanna!music):


Psalm 13 (HOW LONG O LORD)

How long oh Lord will You forget me
How long oh Lord
Will You look the other way

How long oh Lord
Must I wrestle with my thoughts
And every day
Have such sorrow in my heart

Look on me and answer
Oh God my Father
Bring light to my darkness
Before they see me fall

But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good.


If you have an opportunity to listen to this CD, take it. The song "Your faithfulness" seems to be written right for parents who are or have carried to term.

Alexis, could you please write me an e-mail at webmaster@anencephalie-info.org , I have a question about your book.


Kevin Davis said...

Wow. I wasn't expecting all this when I came to visit your blog - guess I've only seen the "other titles taken" one. I don't have words for you that you already don't know and I could not being to even try and know what it would be like to lose one of my boys. Thanks for being raw and real though - I've heard it will help in the long term - just feel it. And at least you have friends like Cassi who are there.

Jolene said...

Hi, My name is Jolene, my cousin told me to take a look at your blog. about 4 weeks ago we found out that our little boy has anencephaly. I am just 26 weeks today ( with our first baby). So much stuff is going through my mind with all of this, and i love reading your blogs because it is so close to how i am feeling, there is not many people out there who do! reading your blog is helping me better understand what i am and will possibly be going through in the next few weeks, months etc.
I will be keeping you in my prayers, Jolene.