Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A little more

One of my main concerns as we faced the decision on whether or not to carry Eden to term was the impact it would have on the older kids...

Sunday, while running errands as a family, I stole a few moments with my oldest son, nearly 9 years old... When we had first told them the baby wasn't going to be able to live, they asked very few questions. Just cried... the questions came in the next few days, eventually asking where she was. I explained she was still in my tummy but the Dr might need to help get her out.

So I spoke to my oldest about how it would make him feel if I continued to get more and more pregnant but Eden was still not able to survive. His answer surprised and comforted me... He stated very matter of factly "I think that would be better. Because if the Drs take her out too soon she might still be alive and that wouldn't be good." It was so simple but so true. That wouldn't be good... not for any one of us. Mind you, for the few days I had lived with the decision to terminate I had reminded him after his prayers that Eden be okay, "I don't think that's going to happen buddy." Here was this honest and sincere childlike faith, and I was trying my best to fit it in the box I had constructed. His answer was always the same "Yeah, but it could." We have always tried to instill in the kids God's amazing ability to heal... they pray for ever cold and boo-boo, to him, this is no bigger.

Then yesterday I had a moment with my daughter, now she is my baby who loves to raise her hands and worship, or sit on her special prayer mat... but, I never really know how deep it goes with her. She is a special little girl with a certain depth to her I sometimes have a hard time figuring out. I remember her tears once as she confessed shed never actually heard God when she prayed. I remember explaining to her that it takes practice to hear Gods voice, and that every time she felt the inclination to be kind, loving, or do what's right, she was hearing the voice of God.

Yesterday I asked her the same thing about how she would feel... she paused a bit. I don't think she's terribly comfortable with the idea as it seems a little odd. But she looked at me and said "I think, but I'm not sure, I think God told me she'll be okay. 'cuz I heard a voice." That last part she said pointing to her temple.

I had to fight tears as I said "Well baby, I sure hope you are right." Now I don't know if this was the voice of God she heard, but I don't doubt it could be. I never underestimate the prayers of a child.


Nicky said...

This situation is very hard to understand, even for grown-ups. I can't even imagine what Noah & Phoebe are going through...but a child's faith can do so much! All of your children are very, very special.

Justin said...

My dad (your pastor) just sent me the link to this blog. I read it and am still crying. Not because I feel hopeless, or because the story is so moving (even though it is). I am crying because I am so amazed at who you have become. You are an amazing daughter of God. You are a picture of fleshed out Christianity for anyone to look at and say, that's what a Christian "looks" like. And I have never been more proud of you. Last week I called to say "I love you" because I couldn't think of anything else that should or could be said in the situation. I knew it was up to you to find out what it was you felt God would have you do in the situation. Now I know what to say; keep on doing exactly what you're doing! You are working out your faith with fear and trembling. You hope for the best (a miracle), but know that He will walk with you through the worst. I love you Lex.