Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Out of the mouths of babes...

A month ago my biggest worry was the flaky plumbing in my new house. And it wasn't even a serious worry because I'm a renter, so I didn't have to foot the bill to fix it.

Today I am wondering if this is all too much for my older kids. If I am being selfish or cruel to them or Eden. I believe in my heart of hearts, and in the deepest recesses of my spirit, that this is the absolute right thing to do, but when those kinds of arrows are flung at you... it hurts.

I have spent the last several days really feeling good and confident, but today it just all fell apart.

First came the phone call. The one where I was told all about how little sense this all made. How I was hurting my older kids and how waiting was going to make everything harder on them. How it was cruel to keep Eden with me. How I should just let her go...

And then the talk with the teacher about my oldest and how out of sorts and disobedient he's been. The compassion for how he's feeling, but at the same time needing to get his behavior under control. And his long, hard, ugly cry on the way home about every "bad thing" that happened this week... the cry that ends with how much it hurts him to think about his sister who might die.

So I begin to wonder if somewhere I've made a colossal mistake and I ask him again about the impact of waiting... and he explains how it's better to wait because if they take her out now she *will* die but if we wait she could be okay. And that hope was better...

I always knew God used our children to teach us great lessons, but this was again, so true.

Jer 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I can only trust in God to bring prosperity in this situation. Nothing on earth will bring me the hope I so desperately need. So desperately cling too in moments like this.


Nicky said...

And in moments like this, we'll all be here for you--holding up your arms.