Friday, June 01, 2007

Not so strong

Ever since I put up this blog, and even just before, I have had people saying really wonderful things about my grace and strength... I am touched as those things are merely God showing Himself. Today I want to throw myself on the floor like my not quite two year old and just cry and throw a tantrum.

I knew when we decided to give God full reign over the Eden there could, potentially be a full 5 months of waiting and uncertainty... I wondered to some friends when or if the day would come that all the peace would crumble... I still have peace but today is not so bright as a few that have passed.

If you had asked me even 4 days ago I'd have told you I felt really good, emotionally and physically. That I fully expected a miracle and my baby girl to be born whole... today I am a lot less certain. Today my faith is far more weak.

Today is the day I press in further with my Jesus and let His strength hold me up.

God moved in big ways this week with two babies, yet still in the womb. One child nearly confirmed as ectopic was found safely hanging out in the womb and one who's labor had begun too soon was stopped as suddenly as it started... and I do honestly rejoice and find comfort in those two big blessings. But if I am truly honest, part of me is jealous too. I am stuck right in the middle of my storm and I too, want word that my baby is whole and everything is okay. I want my waters calmed.

I was sharing with some ladies the other day, that I don't believe I will see Eden's healing until the moment she is born. I will have at least one more scheduled ultrasound, but I feel like God is whispering to me not to rely on those to show me. So in a way I fear them...

It is hard to rejoice in my pregnancy, even though I rejoice in Eden. It is hard to not feel just a little bit sad when I feel her constant movement. I so deeply believe she will be born whole, but there is still a very human part of me that can't let go of what I've been told is her prognosis. So I delight and mourn every roll and kick.

God reminded me tonight of so many of the "classic bible stories", the ones even my unsaved family and friends would know... Most of the biggest miracles came after longer periods of intense suffering... The woman who had bled for 12 years (Luke 8: 42-44) Mary and Martha who watched their brother die and buried him (John 11) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3) The father who's daughter was ill and died (Luke 8: 40-56) and so many more...

I am in the midst of my trial, and only God can carry me through.

Also, a lesson I learned this week... This trial is not mine or my family's alone.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 1: 8-11
God has put my family on this path, and at times it feels lonely, but he has put us here with our church family as well. And not just those who sit next to us in the pews but in churches all over the world... that when we testify of His amazing and wonderful healing of my sweet baby girl, when we see her chasing her siblings up the aisles in the church sanctuary, that all The Church will be edified. That we proclaim God's healing power and many more will come to know Him. And many more will be healed...
Please continue to pray for us, as each day seems to bring a new hurt, a new phone call trying to tear into our decision, another reminder of what we are to endure.


Matt Wright said...

Christmas of '05, the doctors told my family that my mother was most likely brain dead. That her brain had been without the glucose it needed to feed upon for too long. The neurologist once asked us what my mom did for a living, and when we told him she was a teacher, he shook his head and looked at her with a look that said, "What a shame. What a loss."

For four days, I watched her twitch in a coma, and I prayed like I've never prayed before. The doctors could give us NO hope, but we found hope in God. I reached out to my Christian family as well, and sought their prayers. When my mom woke up, she smiled and she responded to us with a look of recognition in her eyes. The neurologist literally did a dance in her room, shaking his head in disbelief. My mom went on to recover fully and completely. In a matter of weeks, we went from the deepest depths of fear and hopelessness, to complete joy and thanksgiving.

God heals. I've seen Him work miracles in my family. I am praying constantly for you and your family. That your faith and hope will endure and sustain you throughout all your trials.