Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The sun was shining today

Had my first OB appointment since the diagnosis today. It was kind of weird in that it wasn't all that weird. I did all the typical stuff - weight, blood pressure, etc. Just like any regular old pregnant woman. Because I am, in fact, a regular old pregnant woman. But not really... Most regular pregnant women are worrying about things like stretch marks, exhaustion, and frequent potty breaks. Me, I'm just sort of existing in this limbo world. Waiting on my miracle but uncertain everyday...

I talked a lot to my Dr about my emotional well being, she wondered what kind of support I had and was very pleased to hear me speak of all of my church family that was rallying around me. I told her Eden's name and she made a note in my chart. The care with which she treats me is truly remarkable. I don't think she'd make this choice but encourages me to truly enjoy and celebrate every moment I have with Eden. (Hearing her referred to by her name is very comforting to me.)

We listened to her very strong heartbeat. Beating away as if nothing was amiss. The Dr confirmed that, yes, those were definitely hiccups that I was feeling...

Eden is moving all the time. Not just the hiccups but I feel her rolling and kicking almost constantly, It is both wonderful and a little heartbreaking. While I choose to believe she will be born whole, part of me knows she may not be and it pains me to think this might be all I have of her. I love her, yet I may never know her in *this* life. It's a very weird place to live.

I told my Dr I had hope in a very Big God and that I still thought Eden could be born whole and healthy. I think this bothered the Dr. and I understand why. Science has *no* room at all for this possibility.Two ultrasounds and a blood test are pretty clear.

Ironically I left today feeling even more sure God was going to do the amazing with Eden. The sun was shinning and I knew He was with me.

All in all today was a very good day to be Eden's mommy.


Jenny said...

I am so happy to hear how things went today. She will always be that completely normal and miracle baby at the same time, no matter what happens.

Anonymous said...

Hey Friend-
I was just reading all your blogs- thanks for keeping me updated and being transparent- giving me a window into your spirit. Take each day one at time- and sometimes each minute one at time. The Lord knows not just your heart but your emotions and as you said, he weeps with you on days thar are hard and rejoices on days that are better. Love you friend- AMY