Thursday, September 13, 2007

Not Above Being Selfish

Eden is due in just over three weeks. In many ways it seems like the diagnosis was just pronounced and in others it feels like we have been living with the weight of it forever. The last half of my pregnancy has gone incredibly fast, but each day gets longer and longer.

I can not believe that in about a month we will finally have our answer. We will finally know if this baby is coming home.

In a lot of ways I am far more confident than I have been in the long four+ months I have carried her with her diagnosis, that we will see a miracle, but at the same time I am even more afraid to say it out loud. It's one thing to declare absolute faith in an idea that will not see fruition for several months, it's another thing entirely when it's right around the corner.

In a way I hadn't quite expected, I feel like I love her even more now. I have loved the concept of her for months... but there has been so much "other" to focus on. Now I actually can just sit and be with her.

I have been so focused on God and His plans, the things He was teaching me, the way He was changing my family, the changes in my church... all related to this precious little one. Now, I have crossed a line where it's able to just be about me and my baby.

And I love her and I want her to come home. I want to hold her and wake up in the middle of the night. I want to watch her toddle and take her first steps. I want to see her smoosh a cake in her face on her first birthday. I want to watch her brothers and sister spoil her. I want to sacrifice some autonomy for the sake of being the mother of a newborn. I want to get spit up on. I want to change another bazzilion diapers. I want to watch her daddy get wrapped around her little finger. I just want to mother her.

I have prayed many things for her and our family... but today I just want to say "Daddy please, can I just bring my baby home?"

2 comments:

Dawn B said...

Alex's
These last three weeks are just the end of one journey and the beginning of another. I asked OUR daddy the same request. Just let you bring Eden home. I know he hears our cries and wants to make us happy. I am prayer and believing right her with you, we will step up the prayers for the wonderful comming home of your baby girl. With much love Dawn and family

monika said...

Alexis,

You don’t know me and I don’t know more about you than what you share in your blog that I visit every week since a friend of yours shared the link in an anencephaly support group. I had a baby with anencephaly too, my daughter Anouk was born 7 years ago (her story is on my website).

After reading this entry, I want to encourage you. I wish so much with you that Eden will be healed. I know that our God is powerful and almighty, that he CAN heal Eden. Never forget that even a faith as small as the most tiny seed, put in the right object, in Jesus Christ, can move mountains. Rest your eyes on Him, and no matter the outcome, He will give you peace.

Prayers are with you from the other side of the world,

Monika

“If God is strong enough to prevent these things, He either enjoys our pain or He knows that
it is necessary for our ultimate good. So we believe the latter and carry on. God is good but entirely too vast to understand.”
C.S. Lewis in "the problem of pain"