Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Missing Eden

Lest anyone get the idea that I am some super strong woman or that I am somehow more capable of handling grief and pain like this I just wanted to share some of my heartbreak with you.

I do believe with all my heart that God has not written the final chapter of what's to come from Eden's short and dedicated life. I do know that He holds me and my family in His hands. I know that He only wants good for me. I know His desire is to comfort me in this time of heartbreak.

I know all of this.

But I also know my house is far too quiet. It is missing the cries, coos, and laughter that a new baby brings. My arms are empty and aching for my daughter. I have a favorite picture of Eden that will never change. I have a photo album I ca not even fill with her pictures.

I am grateful beyond words to have my other kids... to see them smile and play and laugh everyday is both a comfort and a deep pain, as I wonder what their sister would have brought, new and exciting, to them.

I keep waiting to wake up from all of this, but I don't. This is real and doesn't just go away and stop hurting. It's more to walk through everyday.

I can't imagine doing this with out God, even though He feels so distant at times. I know He is there for me. I know my daughter is with Him. I don't have to wonder after her. I know Eden walks in perfect peace with joy beyond measure. She never cries, she never has to experience pain or sorrow.

When it gets to overwhelming I can go back to the moment I handed her into her Heavenly Father's arms... I can remind myself of the peace and joy of that moment. I can remind myself of the tangible presence of The Holy Spirit... and I wouldn't trade that to have Eden in my arms right now.

Still, my arms ache for her...

6 comments:

Krista said...

((((Alexis))))

Dawn said...

Alexis, With a lost of words, I just have to say sorry. Sorry that there is nothing anyone can say to ease your pain. Sorry that you must go through this. Sorry that I don't know what to do. Sorry that i have to be sorry. But mostly just wanting you to know that we are thinking of you. And i don't ever think that it will get easier, or the pain of loosing her will subside. I just don't think that is possible. I just hope that you will slowly be able to breath alittle easier, laugh a little more and know that We all wish we could make it better for you. I love you and will begin to pray for you and your family. Dawn

Marfa said...

Thinking of you!

*HUG*

Kristi A. said...

I'm sorry Alexis. My mom used to say one of the hardest things about losing my brother was watching the world just keep on going while she was dying inside. Even though she knew that is how it HAD to be---I know it hurts. I think about you and Steven and your kids everyday. I hope things get a little better for you soon.

Cassi said...

and my heart aches for you... I watched you today in worship... and pour out your heart to the Lord ...Please don't sell yourself short ... you ARE a strong and amazing woman ... because you are a woman of God... a woman after His own heart...

You know that I am a "fixer" and want soooo badly to be able to fix this for you ...to fix the amount of grief that you are in ... but often find it is you that is you that is fixing others ...

And it was again today that you did that... your resolve to stand and allow our precious Father turn your mourning into dancing... whether you know it or not - (and probably at that moment didn't really care {rightfuly so}} .. what an awesome testimony that the love of Eden and her awesome mommy show to so many....

Please remember when you feel that you are not strong enough to stand ... there are many many people behind you - holding you up. Love you .... Cass

Jess said...

Alexis... I read your entire blog from beginning to end after your photographer friend posted a photo of you on Live Journal. I am extremely moved by your entire story and the resounding faith you show in the Lord Jesus throughout the entire ordeal. I wish that one day my faith is as solid as yours. I am and will continue to pray for you and your family. Jess.