Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Perfect Peace

In the few split seconds after Eden's birth, when I didn't hear a lusty newborn cry and knew she hadn't been healed, I looked over to her bassinet across the room and saw a nice healthy baby. She looked so normal, except for the top of her head. In that second I just didn't understand why she hadn't been healed and my heart broke...

She and Steven went immediately to a private room so the kids could meet their sister since we had been told she looked like it would be a matter of minutes before we lost her. I wondered if I would ever see her alive again.

As they wheeled me in to join my family the first thing I saw were my two daughters, the oldest holding her sister and crying... my heart broke again. I didn't understand the unanswered prayers of that broken hearted girl. They placed the baby in my arms and I had my first chance to hold her, to connect to her... and suddenly God didn't seem that far away. He had created this little one , perfect for His plan, given her life and loved her.

I saw a brokenness in all those who had prayed for her healing and I felt the same brokenness, but I also felt God, whispering He hadn't ignored me, stopped loving me, or made a mistake.

There was peace like none I can describe. Peace that is, frankly hard to connect with right now as hormones shift and change, but peace I felt and know to be real so I hang on to it even though it seems somewhat distant.

I believe God revealed something to me about hope in those moments. Hope and perfect peace. I wanted Eden to be healed as a testimony to His power and greatness. I wanted nothing more that for Eden's life to point people to God. That they would be so amazed and awestruck they couldn't help but fall to their knees before Him. What God chose to reveal to the world was His ability to comfort and give strength when none seems likely.

I did not get to bring my baby home, and I miss her, but I did bring home an encounter with Him that will change me forever. I bring home memories of the doctors and nurses impacted by the peace, hope, and strength they saw in our family and in our friends... the knowledge that we had something different. That difference was The Lord of the Universe. A God so big, yet one who cared so much about a simple little family from Lomita.

It is hard not to have my girl with me, but it was easy to pass her into the arms of My God.

What was supposed to be minutes together, God stretched into just over 36 hours. In her last few moments, when I knew she was leaving us, I felt so calm, so serene, so ready to hand her over to my Jesus. I believe that heaven is all around us. That it is very real but it is in a realm we just don't see... if you read the story of Stephen in Acts he begins to die and speaks of the cloud of wittinesses all around. Eden had never focused her eyes, she was quite probably blind, but in the 20 mins or so before she passed her eyes were open and focused, closing when she breathed her last, and I believe she was focused on her savior. I still remember, and always will, that last breath and the sensation that I was literally handing her off into the arms of God. What a special little girl, to get to spend her eternity with Him so soon.


DAwn said...

As I sit here balling my eyes out, all i can think about are the lives your family has touched. I don't think that i an say enough that you and Steven and your Faith amaze me, I am awestruck by your complete peace. Eden touched so many lives in this world, and you will probably feel that for the rest of your live, Her purpose on this earth was fullfillled and now she is your little gaurdian angel watching from above. Amazed Dawn

Brianne Winter 2008 Forum said...

Bless you and your family. As I have told you before, your faith is SO amazing to me. I am so thankful that you feel peace. I can only hope that 1 day I am as strong of a women as you are. Eden is absolutely beautiful!!

Brianne Winter 2008 Forum said...

Bless you and your family. As I have told you before, your faith is SO amazing and beautiful to me! One day I can only hope that I am half the women of strength that you are. Miss Eden Rebekah is beautiful.

Cassi said...

My dear friend... I'm struggling with something to write because frankly, I'm all out of words... my heart broke when I heard the news that we didn't have much time... and being able to hold precious Eden, my heart soared seeing the graciousness of our Lord. He reminds us over and over again of His faithfulness ... and especially of His faithfullness to those who trust and obey Him... Thank you sooo much for allowing me to be a part of Eden's life and for showing everyone an awesome example of Faith lived out. And Thank You to Our Lord for giving us Eden and for allowing her passing to be so beautiful.
I love you guys... Cassi

Kelly said...

I read your post yesterday and I, too, cannot find the words to express all that I feel in my heart. You have truly learned from this experience all that God desired for you and your family to learn. You did not foresake your God, you listened to his wisdom and allowed yourself to be brought closer and more reliant upon him through this trial. You were truly blessed by giving birth and getting to know beautiful little Eden and allowing her journey (and that of the entire Anderson family) to touch so many lives. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.

Deb Bonine said...

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! We are also truly saddened by her passing. Our hearts are truly touched that our loving Father in heaven blessed you and your family with those precious 36 hours with little Eden. Your faith and peace were a witness to many around you. Our prayer is that our precious heavenly Father will wrap his loving arms around you and your family, as you did around Eden, and soothe the loss you,your family and friends are feeling at this time.May the love and peace of God be with you.
Deb&Jim Bonine Colorado Springs, CO

Erin Naldi (Teran) said...

Alexis and Family, I cannot express how my heart aches for you. What you have been through has not been unseen by Our Father. I know there are a great many blessings in store for you as a family. Please know that you have been an inspiration and a lesson in strength and amazing faith. I am a stronger mother and Christian because of your story. All of our problems are relative, but you have brought mine into perspective in a big way. Thank you for seeing the bigger plan and allowing her to pass into glory from your loving arms. She suredly felt your love.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say thank you to you Alexis and Steven for putting your faith in Christ. Through all of this I know your walk with Christ is a closer one. In your struggles there is a chain affect on others in which you help them in their faith.
Thank you for helping me in my walk!
Jim S.

Shana said...

Eden is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. You and your family will be in my prayers as you continue on this journey of grieving your sweet girl.