Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In the secret...

At night, while I'm laying in bed, I think of all kinds of things to share with you. All kinds of encouraging words... some a little less so. Then, morning comes and it all gets so lost in the everyday... Lost in the dishes and laundry. Lost in the day to day chasing after three rambunctious kids. Lost in normal life.

I've wondered a lot lately about what my new normal is. Six months ago I was planning the next few years in the light of feedings, diaper changes, and lack of sleep. Then for five months I was in limbo... desperately seeking God for the miraculous in every breath. Then I was a mother to four precious babies. Two days later I had three living children and an encounter with God like none I'd ever had. Then life settled in... and now? Where to from here?

I crave that unexplainable closeness with God. To be fully embraced, tangibly, by the lover of my soul. To stand before Him in worship and have the very core of my spirit tingle with His touch. Yet, it eludes me a little.

I stood in church Sunday and felt slightly numb. The first I'd felt that in a long, long time. I didn't like it at all.

I am not angry at God, but I am realizing that maybe I am feeling something I haven't yet faced. Something I'm not even sure how to name.

I wanted Him to heal Eden. I wanted to bring her home. I want to be holding her and cuddling her right now. I want more than a photo album and one adorable picture. I wanted more than memories.

It's hard to read the scriptures that speak of asking and receiving or His great power. I want to throw a tantrum. Stomp my feet and cry like my two year old when he can't have a cookie. It stings a little to know He could have healed her and didn't.

It is something I keep saying I am working out with Him. But I wonder if I really am? Is it too hard and painful for me to really look at? To be truly vulnerable to God with those feelings.

The truth is I don't know.

I trust Him everyday by choice right now. I trust Him because He *is* still the creator of the universe, the Ancient of Days, the one who died for me. I trust Him because He holds my daughter to His very bosom when I can't. I trust Him because I know His plan is perfect.

If it is even possible, this part of the journey seems to hurt the most. To feel so distant from He who loves me most. I feel like I am swimming through quicksand to get back to the place we once walked so closely.

Maybe that's the point? Maybe it's a little too much me? This isn't something I can do on my own or by my own power. This can only be done by God. I can only have healing in His plan and His time.

I am going to try very hard to wait on Him. To let Him meet me in my time of need. I am going to try and be still...


Anonymous said...

I read your posts and remember the days after our son was stillborn. The plans that were made, the expectations and future so quickly stopped then wondering why, why did this not turn out the way I had prayed. It does seem at times that God if far far away and unfortunately it doesn't end but the good news is that God carries you through these days. You may not feel his arms around you on some days but you are right in saying to be "still". God has you in his embrace, hold tight sister!

I pray for you and your family especially with the Holidays near. This is a tough time. Just as you were excited about all the "firsts" you would experience with your Eden, you now face all the "firsts" without her. It's difficult to say the least but know that God is there and that you are one of God's special Mom's.

Dawn said...

Keep holdin on, I guess that you could always go back to the poem footprints. He is carring you Alexis, He's there under you. He helps you get up in the morning anf go to bed at night. All the little things you do during the day, you get through them because he is holding you up and guiding you along. Hang tight, his presence will be shown. Love Dawn